What I've learned

In the past 3 and a half months since Colty died I have learned a lot about myself. It's been hard learning some of the things I have learned, but at the same time, it's been good. I'm discovering I'm pretty wordy, so hopefully I fit it all in one post.

I think the #1 thing I have learned about myself is that I trust God, I really do. And I'm not saying that in a "I'm all holy and I've figured it out" way. I'm saying that in a, "I really surprised myself and I've still got so much more to figure out" way.  I remember a good friend of mine telling me that it will begin to be tolerable, but it (the pain) will always be there. She was absolutely right. I've learned to deal with that pain, but that doesn't mean it left completely. It's still there, raw and ugly and painful. But, the way I've dealt with that pain is giving it to Jesus and trusting Him. I trust Him. Colt dying did not take Him off His throne. It rocked my world, sure, but it did not take away the power of the grave in my life. I remember those first few nights after he died. I would wake up pretty much every hour and remember. Remember he was gone and that it hurt. Sometimes Elias was here, sometimes my mom was on the phone with me, but I remember them both telling me that I needed to ask God to take the pain away. And I did. I whole-heartedly believed that He could and He would take the pain away. Even if it was in His timing and that timing was not when I wanted it. And because I trusted Him, I begged Him to please just take it away. Because I knew I serve a God who is good and faithful and true. And because I knew that, in those dark moments since that day, I have been able to beg Him, ask Him to please just make it better. And He does. Sometimes, it's right then and there. Sometimes, it takes a little time, but it's always been there and it's always been so comforting. I don't trust Him because He has given me peace when I was expecting it. I trust Him because without Him, I have no joy. My joy would be gone. It would have gone that day in February. And what is life without joy?

The other thing I have learned about myself is that I believe God's word more than I ever thought I did. And I don't just believe it, I cling to it with my life. Again, I'm not just talking about the happy promises for eternal life and joy everlasting and stuff like that. I believe that when He says over and over that we need to be in community with the Church and we need to lift each other up, He is serious. Because let me tell you, the #2 way I got through that dark period in my life was through my community. God has richly blessed Elias and I with loving family and friends who not only love us and our kids, but they loved our dog. They loved him because we loved him. And they have rejoiced with us when we have rejoiced and they have mourned with us when we have mourned. We had friends and family who called/texted just to say they were sorry and that they too would miss Colty. We had friends and family send us stuff and bring us flowers and food. We had friends and family who just cried with us and let us cry when words were not enough. When we first got our kids, we had the same support and we continue to see that same support in our life. Why I thought it would be any different when the circumstances were sadder, I have no idea. But, I see the need for community. I see the need for people to lift you up when you can't get up. For people to serve you when you need it. For people to just love you when you are having a hard time. I can't say it enough, I believe God's Word is true. I believe when He says that in this world we'll have troubles but He has overcome this world, that He is serious. I know life won't be easy. That dream ended in a garden a long time ago. But I also know that I am constantly reminded of what He says every time something happens or is going on in life. Even everyday things like breathing, yup, He gave me breath. So I not only trust God with my life, I believe Him too.

Another thing I learned, which is something that I'm really trying to work on, is that I definitely have idols in my life that need to go. And some of those things are slowly leaving or have already left, but some I try to justify keeping around. When Colt died, I never once asked God why it had to be Colt, but I did try to think of other things I would be ok with Him taking instead. Like, y'all, I made a list. As I made the list I noticed one common thing on the list and off the list. Everything on the list started with "my". He could take, my health, my house, my car, my money, my clothes, my tv, my whatever I have. But then I left off some pretty big things. He had already taken Colty, but I still left him off my list of what God could have. I left Elias and the kids off. I left my friends and my family off. I left off some other things too. I noticed that I had a comfort idol rearing it's ugly little head. I made a list of what could be replaced if needed. Whether it be purchased again brand new or used, wouldn't matter. It could be replaced. I left off of that list what I believe I couldn't handle losing. You're probably thinking, "How can she say she trusts God and believes Him if she has idols she is holding on to?". Well, the answer is trusting God and believing Him and knowing that I will not be perfect on this side of heaven and He will constantly be refining me because His Word says it over and over. This means there will be times of doubt and unbelief, mostly unknowingly and not on purpose. But I always come back to Him and regret leaving in the first place.

The last thing I learned is I find no true comfort outside of God. I remember reading a blog post about what to tell someone in case of a tragedy in their life. And it resonated with me. When Elias became a police officer the likelihood of tragedy striking our family dramatically increased. I have told several friends about that post and told them that it is what I needed to hear in case something happened. I need to hear truth. When Colt died, I was offered many things for comfort. And they were nice, sweet, gesture that definitely helped. But I noticed something in some of the offers of comfort, those offers weren't always true. For instance, "it'll be ok", still doesn't feel true to me. Please hear my heart on this, I'm not saying that if you said those things, you are a liar and/or a horrible friend. I really truly appreciate every kind word that was spoken to me and my family in our time of loss. But what I have discovered about myself, God has put a desire in me that only He has been able to fill. When Colty died, I needed to hear that God is still God and He was still in control. I needed to be reminded of the verses that make me believe He is who He says He is and He does what He says He does. I needed people who would speak His truth into me and remind me that He will never leave me and that He never forsook me. I found that that need for His truth was met through songs, pastors, friends, family, notes. Even in memories. I was actually really surprised that I didn't turn to other things to comfort me, you know, like food, booze, drugs (illegal or prescribed), whatever would numb the pain and make it go away that instant. And, I know that confession may shock a lot of you, but you don't know my history yet, so, bear with me as I get to that part in another post. Also, there is definitely a good reason why I did not turn to those things, even though it was tempting at times, but again, another post for another day.

So, those are some of the things I learned about myself. I speak better than I type, so this post probably does not make sense, so I apologize.  If you would like to know more about any of the things that I learned, please do not hesitate to ask me. There are some things that I do like to keep to myself, but mostly I don't mind sharing my heart on things. And if I put it out here, it's fair game, right?!?