No me diga

When I was growing up, my dad's family would often call me "Nomediga". I had no idea what that meant. I was named after my dad's mom, so I figured this was probably something she was called growing up and it just passed on to me. When I got to UT and took my first Spanish class, I learned what that phrase meant, "Do not tell me". Turns out my grandma Hope did not like to be called Esperanza (our name in Spanish), so when people would call her that she would reply "No me diga Esperanza". Haha! I totally get it now. I understand not wanting to be told something or called something.

All of that to say, recently there have been many times that phrase has come to my mind. You see, in January, Elias and I found out that God wanted our family to include a baby. We were pretty certain that our kids would all be older and not include diapers or formula or other little baby things. Don't get me wrong, I love babies. They are cute and little and for the most part pretty cool. I just never had the desire to be with child or birth a child or stay up at night with a child or any of those things. But God had a baby planned for our family all along. To say we were surprised would be an understatement. Elias and I always said we did not have any plans to give birth to a child, but we also always knew that if it was what God wanted, then it was what would happen. Mary or Sarah, anyone?!? 

Needless to say, as soon as we found out we were going to have a baby, my first thought was my kids I already had. How would this affect them? Would they feel left out or less loved? Would people make them feel less loved/uncomfortable? I immediately became their biggest defender on earth because I had already heard stories of kids who were adopted or in the process of being adopted when their parents got pregnant. It scared me for them. I cried for them because I did not want them to feel like they were any less our kids than this baby I was now carrying. I also was scared because you can't control what people will say to them when you aren't around or shoot, even when you are around. And I immediately put my defenses up because I knew that I struggle with giving grace to people and this would definitely be a test of that grace giving I struggled with.

So, now that you know why I didn't turn to booze/drugs for comfort, let me tell you what not to tell me.

No me diga-that this always happens. You try to get pregnant and adopt and then boom, here comes baby. My kids were not Plan B. They were not a means to an end for us. From the day Elias and I began the family making process, adoption was there. We didn't know all the details, but we always knew we would adopt and that our family would be comprised of kids that were not biologically ours.

With that being said, please, please please, do not tell me that we deserve our own kid. I'm sure you mean well, but that hurts. On so many levels. I know so many people who have struggled to have kids and it just hasn't been in God's plan for them. That does not make them less deserving of a child. It just means God has a plan for them that they don't know yet, or maybe they do, who cares! And that hurts me and Elias as the parents of our kids. They are our kids as much as this little baby I am carrying is our kid. They are loved just as much. When they mess up or annoy me (just being real here), I don't get to say "well, you aren't my kid". Sure, there is a genetic make up that makes them look and act a little differently that us, but the more they are around us the more they are just like us. It's sometimes a little scary at how much like us they really are.

On that note, please, for the love of all things good, do not ask me if we will continue with the adoption of our kids. This one doesn't really hurt, it kinda stings. I take it personally. Who do you think we are?!? Do you think that we are mean, evil people who would bring these 2 kids into our family and love them and bring them this far just to send them back out on their own to figure it out? What do think of me if you think that this is a thought I could even have. Our kids are excited to have a baby sibling in their lives. Our boy is excited to finally get to be a big brother! They are our kids. My girl is my first born and this baby will be the baby of the family. We won't be a family of 3, we'll be a family of 5! And please, don't ask in front of the kids or when they are anywhere within earshot. If you want to see mama bear come out, especially with these hormones pulsing through me right now, go ahead and ask. But for the love, please, just don't.

Please do not tell me that I will make a great mom. Again, that one hurts. Foster moms and dads are moms and dads too. We care for these kids every day. We advocate for them in public and in school. We do mom and dad things. We deal with things so they won't have to deal with them. We provide for their physical needs as well as emotional. Did I already say we do mom and dad things, because we do. I am a mom. I became a mom a long time ago. First to my dog:), then to my kids. I am already responsible for making sure that so many things happen in their life, adding a baby to the mix will just make it exciting and challenging, but it won't suddenly negate what I've been doing these past few years.

I'm sure I am forgetting so many things that could be said so I'll update if anything else comes up. Thanks again for hearing me out on this one. If I sound mean, sorry. I'm just really passionate about this subject. Must have gotten that from my Grandma Hope.