When one door closes

When we began the journey to foster and adoption back in 2011 we had very few expectations of what our journey would look like. We had no idea what foster care would look like. We knew that we were open to foster care with the option of reunification and foster care with the option of adoption. We did not know where God would take us, we just knew that God was taking us somewhere.

I still remember getting the profile on our kids along with a few other options that were open. I remember preparing for every scenario that was presented. Thinking of furniture arrangement in rooms, bedding that needed to be purchased in the case of each scenario, etc... Our placing case manager at the time kind of chuckled as I thought out loud about what we needed to purchase. He told me to hold off until we knew for certain which placement was coming to us. In my know it all way I let him know that we would definitely be ready to respond as soon as he would just let us know who was coming to our home.

Fast forward 4.5 years and I chuckle to myself as I think of that girl back in 2011. So unaware of what was in store for her little family. Unaware of how God would move her to love. Unaware of hurt and frustration at a level she had never known before. Unaware of healing and forgiveness unconditionally given and received. Unaware of how resilient human beings really are and yet, at the same time, complete sponges that absorb all that is around them.

Today we shut our door as we said goodbye to a 12 year old girl who was with us for a few days as she was in between placements. Tomorrow we will open our door and say hello to a 13 year old boy. I don't know how long he will be with us, you never really know. We thought the respite placement was only for this weekend but then things changed, as they often do in foster care, and she stayed with us through today, almost a week. We've said goodbye before. It's never easy. No matter how right the decision is there are real emotions tied to each goodbye. These are real kids with real feelings and real hurts so real emotions are inevitable.

We sat in church on Sunday, Easter Sunday, and listened to our pastor preach the Good News of our hope in Christ. He reminded us that we can persevere and endure our trials in life because we serve a Risen Savior! And not just persevere and endure but rejoice greatly because we have this great hope!

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory,  obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls. "

1 Peter 1:3-9

I sat in the gym on Sunday morning and wept tears of joy. Thankful that I serve a God who loves us. Who placed a sweet 12 year old girl, in the midst of trials, in His presence on Easter Sunday to hear that she has hope. We are overwhelmed at the goodness of the God that we serve. 

We are going into this placement rejoicing. We are going into this placement not knowing what tomorrow will hold and being okay with that. We are going into this placement a little wiser than we did our first placement. We are going into this placement with the knowledge that no matter what, if and when the trials come, God is good. We are going into this placement completely depending on Christ alone. 

Please pray for us as we open this door again tomorrow. Please check on us as we continue on this journey. We are thankful for the people God has placed in our lives and cannot wait to share this hope that we have. 

Summer time, the Robles way.

It's been a while since I have posted. I think about it all the time. Posts run thru my head all the time. Things I want to say. Things I want to remember. Things I want you to know. Things I want to reference at a later time. And sometimes I have time to do it, I just don't, for one reason or another. Sometimes I really don't have time. I think about it when the day is over and I am too tired to give anymore use to my brain or body.

We're back in the swing of things here in the Robles casa. School started on the 24th of August and it was a much welcomed day for the parents and kids alike. The kids were excited to get back to seeing friends. The parents were excited to not deal with clashing personalities all.day.long. It was just good for everyone.


I'll give you a photo dump of all that we did this summer so you can catch up.

In no particular order:

Beach day!

This guy turned 13!!!

These 2 went to Beach Camp with the church and momma missed them big time.

These 2 swam in the little pool grandpa set up for them.

This girl watched the fireworks with us. So good to have a lifelong friend!

This girl was sassy as ever.

These people made the last minute trek to Austin to celebrate freedom with us!

This girl realized the beach is the best place to be!

Got to celebrate 60 years of my momma being on this earth. No greater honor than being her daughter.

Got to go to the zoo with my BFF and her kids!

Got to spend some much needed time with this girl. So thankful for her faithfulness.

Haddie really really loves the beach!

My heart is so full with this picture. So many of the people I love at the place I love the most!

Celebrated 9 years of marriage with this dude!

Happy Birthday, America!

A grandma and most of her grandkids on the 4th!

Kemah Boardwalk with the fam!

Yup, that's my family. Move out of our way:)

If you can't tell, we had a busy and full summer. We got to spend much needed time with so many people we love and who love us. 

I won't lie and tell you that this summer just was amazing and relaxing. There were some really good times but it was and has been hard. I'll make another blog about those times another time.

You're Gonna Make It

I woke up this morning at 6:50. I loathe waking up and seeing any number lower than 8 in the hour space. Really 9, but some days 8 is good. 

I woke up and the house was mostly silent so I took deep breaths and debated whether I should get my coffee now or after I take the 10 y/o to school. The choice was made for me.

I cursed my life, {dramatic, I know} and got up and did the morning mom thing. Break up a fight, remind kids why we don't eat in the bathroom {barf}, explained why wearing your Vans without socks would lead to more problems down the road but if you really want to then by all means, for the love of God, get your shoes on so we.can.go.

No grace in that moment. No hate, but no grace. I wanted to scream and on the short drive to the school, I just asked God to give me the grace to love my life at 7:30 am.

Just when I swore I ruined the little guys day and I would for sure pay for it with a condescending conversation with the teacher {who somehow thinks that I give this kid all the ammo he needs to be super hyped because I obviously don't like her, or so it seems}, a song comes on the radio and I hear the little guy chuckle his cute little chuckle and say, "You really like this song even though it's annoying. Like you like me and Christian, even when we're annoying." 

 

We pulled up into the driveway at the school and I bid him a heartfelt good day and tell him that I do in fact love him. He tells me to have a good day too and that he knows I love him.

Foster Care is hard. So very very hard sometimes. Especially with older kids. But it's always worth it. Even when the rain is pouring down in your soul and it's hard to see, the sun is still there. Keeping your soul from going completely dark. And one day, you'll look back and remember the time a kid reminded you that he is worth it. 

Goodness

Yesterday was hard. I woke up, for the first time in a while, on my own and not to the sound of kids arguing or sneaking around the house. I got ready for church. I got Hadley ready. Still, everything was calm. I walk out of my room and I have kids there who look like they just wanted to let me sleep in before they let their crazy out. Two boys gave me the look that said, "I just can't hold it in any longer." They began working on a chore that they didn't complete from the day before and thats when it all came crumbling down.

To say that it was a good teaching moment where the birds were chirping and the sun was shining, everyone was skipping as they walked into the rest of the day, would be a lie. It was not pretty. It was heated. Angry words poured out of mouths. Angry tears poured out of eyes. Hurt gushed out of the heart of one of the kids involved and into the heart of one angry and tired mom.

We got everything together and went to church. Not because I wanted to go to church. It was solely because Kristina was going to a friends house after church and I didn't want one more disappointed child in my house. She wouldn't have been very verbal about it, but I would have known that the disappointment was there and that would have been enough.

I walked into church and sent the kids to their individual classes. I visited with one friend who is also fostering; a sweet baby just a few weeks older than Hadley. I listened to her as she told me where she was at with her baby. I hugged her and as I walked away I saw another friend who has been such a great source of hope for me. A wise teacher, with a loving ear to listen and rich words of truth. She is proof, to me, that no matter what the situation that is happening, you do live and life will in fact go on and God is still good and worthy of praise.

I walked into the gym and found the first seat I could find and set my stuff down as a broken, weary soul. The worship leader began singing these words,

for the fatherless we pray be the father

let those who lost their way be understood

for the widow and the broken - be the lover who will hold them

we know that you are God and you are good

yes we know that you are God and you are good

for those who mourn today be the comfort

and who hunger after you be satisfied

you bless the poor in spirit for Heaven is their kingdom

we know that you are God and you are good

yes we know that you are God and your are good 

And the tears flowed. And the weariness showed. I am sure that, to the people sitting around me, I looked crazy. Just as I am sure to my friends and to my kids I look crazy. But, in that moment, I honestly did not care about anything but knowing that He is God and He is good. 

Because, for 3 out of the 4 kids in my home, mourning is something they have done or are in the process of doing, or, even, as we have learned recently, are forced to do when they thought it had all finished. I have sat with my kids and held them as the tears flowed because of situations that are completely out of their control and begged God to please comfort them. I have sat in school offices and received phone calls where people tell me that my kids behaviors are not typical and I could only laugh quietly to myself and begged God to help them be understood and for them to understand. 

And so, on Sunday, I begged God again, in that gym, to please comfort my sweet foster son. To please mend his broken spirit. To please remind him that God is good even when people and situations around us are not. I asked God to remind me that He is good, always. 

Foster care is not always easy. It's quite often hard. It's also quite often good. There are very few bad days that meld together and make you think it will never end. There are constant reminders that we live in a very broken world. When a blonde haired, blue eyed, cutie, walks into your living room, you are reminded of how he got there. And you are reminded that God is good. When you are making plans for your daughters 16th birthday(!), and she gives you these big dreams she has for her party, you are reminded that God is good. When you receive a call from a principal at your kids school because your kid is acting a fool and your kids says, "I'm just not used to always being in school", you remember God is good. And when you walk into church after having one of the worse mornings you have ever had and you see friends who remind you that He has given you the grace to get through these circumstances, you know He is good. 

Even in those heated moments, where hurt is flowing and it seems like there is no end in sight, you know that He is God and He is good.

Moments that make you grateful

There are moments in parenting that make you want to scream. They make you want to pull your hair out. They make you want to curl into a ball and go back to sleep and try again tomorrow. When you stay home with your kids, these moments seem to be the prevailing moments. Those feelings appear to be the prevailing feelings. It's extremely hard to picture that you will ever feel like you enjoy life again. Don't get me wrong, you do enjoy life, it's just that there are those moments that cloud your judgement.

Last year at this time I was in that moment. It seemed like those moments and feelings would never go away. I was pregnant and wasn't really feeling that great. It wasn't that I didn't love my precious baby girl who was growing inside me. I was just pouting about it. Big time. At the same time, I was dealing with the loss of my precious pup. And while I know it seems ridiculous to many people, it was so hard and it sucked so bad. If I am completely honest, it still sucks. Not a day goes by that I don't miss my Colty and every now and then, if I'm not careful, tears will escape my eyes. But, I digress. On top of all those sad and pouty feelings, I was trying to keep it together for my 2 big kids whose lives were in limbo. At this time last year, we were thisclose to adoption, but it wasn't certain yet. Those kids were stuck wanting, so desperately, to have a forever family and know that this was it and at the same time grieving the loss of what they knew as life. And I was trying to be their mom, as best as I could, while falling apart, all at the same time. So last summer, I shamefully confess, that I sucked and I let those moments and feelings take over.

Then, on August 2, 2013, I began to see more light. We adopted our precious big kids that day. And we celebrated with family and friends who love them so much and so well.

With the Judge who granted us "Forever" status.

with our Missional Community

With some of the staff from CFN, our licensing agency.

With our APD family. 

With our family of friends whose associations include high school, church and college.

With just a smidge of our family drove up from Freeport/Clute to make sure their grandkids/niece/nephew/cousins knew exactly how much they were already theirs.

Those are the moments you cling to and you beg God for when you are stuck in the dark moments. Because those are the moments when you appreciate every single moment that led up to that one. You are grateful that God allowed you to be a part of that moment and that He held you and sustained you in those darker moments that never seemed to go away. And you are thankful for these people that He placed in your life to encourage you and to tell you Truth when you needed it and to urge you to snap out of it and cling to His promises.

As a mother, there is nothing I want more than for God to call my kids to Him and for Him to be glorified in their lives. From before Elias and I began the adoption journey, we prayed that God would use us and the people in our lives to point our kids to Him. We knew that foster care would be hard and it would take a village to raise them. We knew that we couldn't protect them from this world, but that we could give them a solid foundation on which they could build their lives on. The first day they were in our house, we ate pizza and watched some TV and kinda went through some expectations. We told them that we went to church and were part of a missional community and that they were expected to be there with us. We did not expect them to participate, but we also wanted them to know that it was not going to be an option. Whether you agree with that or not, it does not matter. 

I remember taking our kids to our church, The Austin Stone, and they were nervous about all of the people there who were so excited to see them and meet them. They were immediately welcomed and I cannot tell you how many of my sweet friends greeted them with the line "We've been praying for you." And they meant it. Because so many of them prayed for me and my future husband and kids when we first met, those many years ago. 

Eventually, Kristina began to get involved with the students program and was immediately welcomed by the amazing workers there. I prayed that God would move in her life. And He did. He used the student and the staff to help demonstrate His love for her. To encourage her and to help sustain her when she needed it. 

All of that back story was to bring you to my most recent moment of gratefulness. Yesterday, in front of her friends and family, Kristina, along with one of her closest friends, was baptized. She made the public declaration that Jesus is her savior and they she will live her life for Him. She told people that on August 2, 2013 she knew that Jesus was alive, because, in her words, "how else would I be here today?" And in that moment, all the memories of the past few years came flooding in. Her D-Comm leader told everyone that you know that the Holy Spirit is in you by the fruits they are producing and she mentioned how K's fruits have changed so much these past few years. She mentioned the joy that K has now and the smile on her face. And I saw our friends and family, who have known her since her first day here, smile because I don't think it could have been said any better. 

There are so many more moments that I just don't have enough time and space to write about and I seriously could go on and on about this moment. But I will leave you with a verse that tells you why we live life and endure the hard moments and cling to the good ones. Because in those moments when darkness seems to consume you and you feel like there is not light, God reminds you of these moments that give you a glimpse of what He is doing.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10

Child Abuse Awareness

"Child Protective Services (CPS) investigated more than 160,000 allegations of child abuse or neglect in Texas last year. 156 children died at the hands of their parents or other caregivers, 66,398 were victims of abuse or neglect, and more than 17,000 had to be removed from their homes for their own protection." 

That paragraph was taken directly off the Department of Family and Protective Services website from a post by www.helpandhope.com. You can read the full letter here. If you read it, though, be prepared to have your heart skip a beat. And be prepared to be called to action. Because when you read the number and see that it is not zero, you will need to fight. You will want to fight. You will fight. Because these kids, the precious kids, need a voice. Because unfortunately, more often than we want to know, the very people who should be their voice are the ones who are abusing them. So, they need you. They need you to stand up for them and to speak up for them. 

And be encouraged by these stories of victims who overcame their abuse and broke the cycle. Victims who had a voice. 

April is Child Abuse Awareness month but we should be aware everyday. Abuse is not always physical. It's emotional and sexual, too. It's neglect. Be mindful of these signs that often point to abuse or neglect. 

Pay attention to your kids. If they begin to act differently, don't wait. Here are some tips for how to approach it. Help out a family who is under stress.get to know your kids friends. Know your neighbors. Be there for them.

Because if it were you, you would want someone to be your voice.

I'm over it, but there is a reason.

Today I am over it. Completely, totally, fed up, pissed off, blood boiling, over it.

I am over the self-righteousness that has taken over parenting. Specifically, motherhood. There are so many blogs out there devoted to telling everyone how their child got to be so amazing. You know what I'm talking about. And you don't even have to read a blog about it. If you are like me, you have at least a dozen friends who post about how amazing their child is because they eat the best foods and never give them junk food ever. Ever. Or maybe its because they sit down with them and they teach them their ABC's before they even hit the age of 1. Or maybe they are just telling you how freaking awesome their kid is because they really just love their kid and think they are awesome.

I'm over not being able to say how you feel about something because if someone who disagrees with you doesn't like what you are saying, they will not only tell you they disagree, but they will attempt to back it up with studies or blogs or, my personal favorite, "well, my job before i was a mother was <insert superior job title>...". And I just wish that we all could just think our kids were awesome, because they probably are. I wish that we made choices for our kids, not because someone tells us this is the best choice, but because it's what we feel is good for them or for us and them.

It makes me want to say mean ugly things that I mean at that moment but don't really mean when I read this stuff. It makes me want to put them in their place and hit them with the silver bullet that *I* believe supports my parenting choices that they so wholeheartedly disagree with. Because we all have the silver bullet, right?

I was going to give you a list and some examples of things I am over hearing about, but I am so over it I do not want to give any more attention or discussion to it. OVER.IT.

I will, however, tell you why I am over it.

I am over the things in this world that are so freakin' trivial. So unimportant in the grand scheme of life. I am human so I will struggle with these things that are trivial (can anyone say football?!?), but recently life has been so eye opening to me. I can't really explain it, yet. I'm just not comfortable with where I have been focusing my attention.

I'm not comfortable with it because I feel like I have been missing out on things that do matter. Things that actually affect the health and the life of my children. Because the food they eat or the amount of time they spend watching TV or hanging out with friends who don't know Christ is not greater than God. It's not. Romans 8:31-39 tells us that NOTHING can separate us from the love of God. Nothing. So, the choices that I make that are wrong, God is greater than them. So if Kristina or Christian are not eating an apple every day after school because apples rot pretty fast and I don't feel like going to the store every other day to get new fresh fruit options for them, it's ok. And if I gave Hadley some pureed foods at 4 months because the doctor said that if I felt she might be ready for them to slowly try them out, then she will be fine. And not only do I, but everyone else needs to be gracious about it. Because if you have those strong opinions about what you are feeding your kids and such strong opinions about what I am feeding mine, well, just imagine what opinions I could possibly have about you, honey. But alas, they aren't important. Ultimately, its not what you are feeding your kid or where you are sending them to school that is important. Whats important is what are you teaching your children about salvation. Its what you are feeding your kids souls. The Bible says we cannot live on bread alone. Where are you putting their faith? Are we teaching our kids that salvation comes from non processed foods that you buy at Whole Foods or spend a lot of money on from somewhere else? Are we telling them that sin is not everywhere so we will only send them to the best schools to get the best education because private Christian schools are the only place to learn without the distraction of sinful people?

I'm over it. I'm over the fact that people will ask me, in front of my children, if I like the schools that they are in. Seriously?!? Even if I don't like where my children go to school, for our family we practice the "go where you live" policy. Our kids are zoned to certain schools because we live within those boundaries. Are they schools that parents are begging to transfer their children into? No, they aren't. Are the schools known for having outstanding parent support (which is proven to be the biggest factor in school success)? I don't know for sure. But are they the place where God has our children at right now? Yup. I know that for sure and do you want to know how I know that? Because my children are enrolled there. Because we live our life here. Because my children invite their friends that they meet at school to church and to church events with them. Not because my children are ashamed of who they are and who their friends are. But because somewhere along the way they picked up on the fact that the important things in life are not what the media puts out there or what they hear about who they should be based on the choices that their biological parents made for them or the choices we made for them. My kids learned about what was good and what was real and they want to share it with their friends.

My children, through a lot of prayer by friends, family, church leaders and us, have been called to a greater purpose. Did you hear that? This summer Christian acknowledged the call that God has placed on his life. He came home from VBS and told me that he wanted to know more and more about God and then he went into his room and read his Bible. And he asks me and Elias about stories in the Bible when he sees something that reminds him of it. Then that same kid, the kid who struggled with reading for 2 years, sat at our dinner table during the Christmas season and read to us as we celebrated Advent. And it wasn't because I followed some rule about reading 30 minutes a day and reading to him at bedtime. It was because he had faith that God would help him get through it and He did. And Kristina. Oh my sweet firstborn. I cannot tell you how God has moved in her life these past few years. I cannot tell you how happy my heart was, how it felt like it was going to burst with joy, when she warmly greeted our friends who moved back to Austin with a daughter her age. It might have seemed normal to them, except that, before that, we could not get Kristina to get out more than a shy hello to people when she first met them. A typical conversation with her would be you asking a lot of questions and her giving yes/no answers. Oh, but that morning, Kristina saw someone who was the "new" person and she remembered that feeling. And she remembered the people in her life who did matter, her brothers and sisters in Christ, who so lovingly welcomed her and continued to do so. So, she did what Christ calls us to do, she loved someone she didn't even know. And my sweet, sweet girl, she left her discipleship class one night and told me she wanted to be baptized. I asked her if she understood what that meant and she proceeded to tell me that she did in fact understand and that she knew He was calling her to Him.

So, I'm over the mommy wars. I'm over the fighting and the passive aggressive remarks and choices we make. Because other moms are not the enemy, per se. The real enemy wants more than the food choices we make or the school choices we make. He wants our lives (1 Peter 5:8) and he has done a pretty darn good job at distracting us with things that do not matter all the while taking life from us. He has done a good job at making us divisive and tricking us into thinking the enemy is actually someone/something to be reasoned with. I confess that it was distracting me and taking my focus away from the eternal. It was making me not like my life because I would look at others and compare and wish I had their perfect lives. I was getting so sidetracked by these petty little games and manipulations that Satan was tricking me with. Telling me that formula and McDonald's were only doing my kids harm. I almost missed the amazing story that is unfolding right in front of my eyes. I almost brushed aside the significant life changing events because someone, somewhere else was telling me that something else was more important. More important than salvation for my kids!!! I pray I don't have to explain that to God.

I'm ok with the nonessential issues taking a back burner and not giving them anymore of my time and energy. I'm ok with it because my kids love The Lord. They love Him. They want to serve Him. Praise God for this because He knows that my focus has been elsewhere.

So this year and for every year after, I want more love and I want more Truth. Not manmade truth. I want the truth of the Gospel. The good and the bad. I want to not only say I believe what the Bible says, I want to practice what I preach. We love because Christ first loved us, 1 John 4:19. May I have more of this love this year and forevermore.