What's going on?!?

This blog update is to update everyone on what is going on with the kids. It'll probably be short because I can't go into too much detail until they are officially ours. That's right, you read that correctly, we are thisclose to adopting our kiddos!!

I cannot wait until we adopt them and can be done with monthly reports/visits/appointments. And we've only been doing these for the past 2 years. My kids have had to deal with visits from different agency's for so long now. They are ready to be done with the foster care system too.

Our boy routinely asks when it, the adoption, will be done. Anytime we have an appointment for anything and come home his first question is, "are we adopted yet?". It's cute and sad all at the same time. Our girl is just ready to be done with talking to different people all the time. She is finally in a place where she is happy and comfortable and she wants to quit having to tell everyone she is happy and comfortable. I can't say that I blame her. As far as foster kids go, our kids are pretty well adjusted and have very few signs of trauma and negative experiences in their lives. Honestly, sometimes when they do exhibit the effects of neglect/trauma I forget that they are in foster care. That they have legitimate reasons for acting the way they are at that moment. I have to remind myself, sometimes after the fact, that they are still dealing with some pretty big changes in life.

Right now, the timeline we are looking at is about 1 month or so. We are pretty much just waiting on the paperwork to be finalized for the transfer from the county their case was in to ours and miscellaneous other items to check off. I'm super excited and Elias is too. Like I said, we can't wait to have this adoption finalized and we are both glad that it is happening before the baby gets here. We cannot wait for our friends and family to go with us to the courthouse and celebrate with us afterwards. We are just ready. Personally, I'm ready to show y'all pictures of them too because they are pretty cute kids.

So, that's what's going on in regards to adoption. We are so close to having it finalized and can't believe that it's almost here!

No me diga

When I was growing up, my dad's family would often call me "Nomediga". I had no idea what that meant. I was named after my dad's mom, so I figured this was probably something she was called growing up and it just passed on to me. When I got to UT and took my first Spanish class, I learned what that phrase meant, "Do not tell me". Turns out my grandma Hope did not like to be called Esperanza (our name in Spanish), so when people would call her that she would reply "No me diga Esperanza". Haha! I totally get it now. I understand not wanting to be told something or called something.

All of that to say, recently there have been many times that phrase has come to my mind. You see, in January, Elias and I found out that God wanted our family to include a baby. We were pretty certain that our kids would all be older and not include diapers or formula or other little baby things. Don't get me wrong, I love babies. They are cute and little and for the most part pretty cool. I just never had the desire to be with child or birth a child or stay up at night with a child or any of those things. But God had a baby planned for our family all along. To say we were surprised would be an understatement. Elias and I always said we did not have any plans to give birth to a child, but we also always knew that if it was what God wanted, then it was what would happen. Mary or Sarah, anyone?!? 

Needless to say, as soon as we found out we were going to have a baby, my first thought was my kids I already had. How would this affect them? Would they feel left out or less loved? Would people make them feel less loved/uncomfortable? I immediately became their biggest defender on earth because I had already heard stories of kids who were adopted or in the process of being adopted when their parents got pregnant. It scared me for them. I cried for them because I did not want them to feel like they were any less our kids than this baby I was now carrying. I also was scared because you can't control what people will say to them when you aren't around or shoot, even when you are around. And I immediately put my defenses up because I knew that I struggle with giving grace to people and this would definitely be a test of that grace giving I struggled with.

So, now that you know why I didn't turn to booze/drugs for comfort, let me tell you what not to tell me.

No me diga-that this always happens. You try to get pregnant and adopt and then boom, here comes baby. My kids were not Plan B. They were not a means to an end for us. From the day Elias and I began the family making process, adoption was there. We didn't know all the details, but we always knew we would adopt and that our family would be comprised of kids that were not biologically ours.

With that being said, please, please please, do not tell me that we deserve our own kid. I'm sure you mean well, but that hurts. On so many levels. I know so many people who have struggled to have kids and it just hasn't been in God's plan for them. That does not make them less deserving of a child. It just means God has a plan for them that they don't know yet, or maybe they do, who cares! And that hurts me and Elias as the parents of our kids. They are our kids as much as this little baby I am carrying is our kid. They are loved just as much. When they mess up or annoy me (just being real here), I don't get to say "well, you aren't my kid". Sure, there is a genetic make up that makes them look and act a little differently that us, but the more they are around us the more they are just like us. It's sometimes a little scary at how much like us they really are.

On that note, please, for the love of all things good, do not ask me if we will continue with the adoption of our kids. This one doesn't really hurt, it kinda stings. I take it personally. Who do you think we are?!? Do you think that we are mean, evil people who would bring these 2 kids into our family and love them and bring them this far just to send them back out on their own to figure it out? What do think of me if you think that this is a thought I could even have. Our kids are excited to have a baby sibling in their lives. Our boy is excited to finally get to be a big brother! They are our kids. My girl is my first born and this baby will be the baby of the family. We won't be a family of 3, we'll be a family of 5! And please, don't ask in front of the kids or when they are anywhere within earshot. If you want to see mama bear come out, especially with these hormones pulsing through me right now, go ahead and ask. But for the love, please, just don't.

Please do not tell me that I will make a great mom. Again, that one hurts. Foster moms and dads are moms and dads too. We care for these kids every day. We advocate for them in public and in school. We do mom and dad things. We deal with things so they won't have to deal with them. We provide for their physical needs as well as emotional. Did I already say we do mom and dad things, because we do. I am a mom. I became a mom a long time ago. First to my dog:), then to my kids. I am already responsible for making sure that so many things happen in their life, adding a baby to the mix will just make it exciting and challenging, but it won't suddenly negate what I've been doing these past few years.

I'm sure I am forgetting so many things that could be said so I'll update if anything else comes up. Thanks again for hearing me out on this one. If I sound mean, sorry. I'm just really passionate about this subject. Must have gotten that from my Grandma Hope.

What I've learned

In the past 3 and a half months since Colty died I have learned a lot about myself. It's been hard learning some of the things I have learned, but at the same time, it's been good. I'm discovering I'm pretty wordy, so hopefully I fit it all in one post.

I think the #1 thing I have learned about myself is that I trust God, I really do. And I'm not saying that in a "I'm all holy and I've figured it out" way. I'm saying that in a, "I really surprised myself and I've still got so much more to figure out" way.  I remember a good friend of mine telling me that it will begin to be tolerable, but it (the pain) will always be there. She was absolutely right. I've learned to deal with that pain, but that doesn't mean it left completely. It's still there, raw and ugly and painful. But, the way I've dealt with that pain is giving it to Jesus and trusting Him. I trust Him. Colt dying did not take Him off His throne. It rocked my world, sure, but it did not take away the power of the grave in my life. I remember those first few nights after he died. I would wake up pretty much every hour and remember. Remember he was gone and that it hurt. Sometimes Elias was here, sometimes my mom was on the phone with me, but I remember them both telling me that I needed to ask God to take the pain away. And I did. I whole-heartedly believed that He could and He would take the pain away. Even if it was in His timing and that timing was not when I wanted it. And because I trusted Him, I begged Him to please just take it away. Because I knew I serve a God who is good and faithful and true. And because I knew that, in those dark moments since that day, I have been able to beg Him, ask Him to please just make it better. And He does. Sometimes, it's right then and there. Sometimes, it takes a little time, but it's always been there and it's always been so comforting. I don't trust Him because He has given me peace when I was expecting it. I trust Him because without Him, I have no joy. My joy would be gone. It would have gone that day in February. And what is life without joy?

The other thing I have learned about myself is that I believe God's word more than I ever thought I did. And I don't just believe it, I cling to it with my life. Again, I'm not just talking about the happy promises for eternal life and joy everlasting and stuff like that. I believe that when He says over and over that we need to be in community with the Church and we need to lift each other up, He is serious. Because let me tell you, the #2 way I got through that dark period in my life was through my community. God has richly blessed Elias and I with loving family and friends who not only love us and our kids, but they loved our dog. They loved him because we loved him. And they have rejoiced with us when we have rejoiced and they have mourned with us when we have mourned. We had friends and family who called/texted just to say they were sorry and that they too would miss Colty. We had friends and family send us stuff and bring us flowers and food. We had friends and family who just cried with us and let us cry when words were not enough. When we first got our kids, we had the same support and we continue to see that same support in our life. Why I thought it would be any different when the circumstances were sadder, I have no idea. But, I see the need for community. I see the need for people to lift you up when you can't get up. For people to serve you when you need it. For people to just love you when you are having a hard time. I can't say it enough, I believe God's Word is true. I believe when He says that in this world we'll have troubles but He has overcome this world, that He is serious. I know life won't be easy. That dream ended in a garden a long time ago. But I also know that I am constantly reminded of what He says every time something happens or is going on in life. Even everyday things like breathing, yup, He gave me breath. So I not only trust God with my life, I believe Him too.

Another thing I learned, which is something that I'm really trying to work on, is that I definitely have idols in my life that need to go. And some of those things are slowly leaving or have already left, but some I try to justify keeping around. When Colt died, I never once asked God why it had to be Colt, but I did try to think of other things I would be ok with Him taking instead. Like, y'all, I made a list. As I made the list I noticed one common thing on the list and off the list. Everything on the list started with "my". He could take, my health, my house, my car, my money, my clothes, my tv, my whatever I have. But then I left off some pretty big things. He had already taken Colty, but I still left him off my list of what God could have. I left Elias and the kids off. I left my friends and my family off. I left off some other things too. I noticed that I had a comfort idol rearing it's ugly little head. I made a list of what could be replaced if needed. Whether it be purchased again brand new or used, wouldn't matter. It could be replaced. I left off of that list what I believe I couldn't handle losing. You're probably thinking, "How can she say she trusts God and believes Him if she has idols she is holding on to?". Well, the answer is trusting God and believing Him and knowing that I will not be perfect on this side of heaven and He will constantly be refining me because His Word says it over and over. This means there will be times of doubt and unbelief, mostly unknowingly and not on purpose. But I always come back to Him and regret leaving in the first place.

The last thing I learned is I find no true comfort outside of God. I remember reading a blog post about what to tell someone in case of a tragedy in their life. And it resonated with me. When Elias became a police officer the likelihood of tragedy striking our family dramatically increased. I have told several friends about that post and told them that it is what I needed to hear in case something happened. I need to hear truth. When Colt died, I was offered many things for comfort. And they were nice, sweet, gesture that definitely helped. But I noticed something in some of the offers of comfort, those offers weren't always true. For instance, "it'll be ok", still doesn't feel true to me. Please hear my heart on this, I'm not saying that if you said those things, you are a liar and/or a horrible friend. I really truly appreciate every kind word that was spoken to me and my family in our time of loss. But what I have discovered about myself, God has put a desire in me that only He has been able to fill. When Colty died, I needed to hear that God is still God and He was still in control. I needed to be reminded of the verses that make me believe He is who He says He is and He does what He says He does. I needed people who would speak His truth into me and remind me that He will never leave me and that He never forsook me. I found that that need for His truth was met through songs, pastors, friends, family, notes. Even in memories. I was actually really surprised that I didn't turn to other things to comfort me, you know, like food, booze, drugs (illegal or prescribed), whatever would numb the pain and make it go away that instant. And, I know that confession may shock a lot of you, but you don't know my history yet, so, bear with me as I get to that part in another post. Also, there is definitely a good reason why I did not turn to those things, even though it was tempting at times, but again, another post for another day.

So, those are some of the things I learned about myself. I speak better than I type, so this post probably does not make sense, so I apologize.  If you would like to know more about any of the things that I learned, please do not hesitate to ask me. There are some things that I do like to keep to myself, but mostly I don't mind sharing my heart on things. And if I put it out here, it's fair game, right?!?