Never stop learning...

That's the advice my Uncle Johnny gave me when I graduate from UT. At the time I was pissed that that was the sentiment he chose to write on his card to me. Did he not pay attention to the fact that I just graduated college? I had been in school for 17 years straight! Umm, no thanks Uncle Johnny. I'm good on the learning. Can you say, 'Brat'?!?
Wow, I can't believe it has been over a month since my last post. I'm sorry. I really do have so much to say, because let me tell you, my life is anything but boring. My uncle was right! I never did stop learning. I've learned a lot since December of 2003, when I thought I was done learning. I've learned that my family and friends mean the world to me. That, while I was blessed to have many great men in my life, there was 1 man out there that would make me feel feelings I never knew I could have for someone. That, even though I typically do not want to follow everyone's plan for my life, I will try to do it because it's definitely a lot easier when there is a plan already mapped out. And the list could go on and on and on and on. But I've learned so much since doing foster care and having these 3 kiddos placed with us. For obvious reasons I can't post specifics of what has caused me to learn these things, but I will post what I've learned.
First and foremost, I'm not their savior. There I said it. I'm not their savior. I cannot and will not change them. No matter how many rules I set up or how much I correct their behavior, I am not their savior. This is a truth that has been spoken into my life since they were first placed with us, even before that. One good friend looked me in the eye and smiled her sweet smile and said "Hope, you are not what they need." That's the kind of truth I need to hear. Because she was absolutely right. I am not what they need. They need a savior. They need the One and Only True Savior, Jesus. And y'all, heart out, I've failed them in that way. I've made them think, too much probably, that I am what they need. That Elias and I are going to give them everything that they need because we can do it because we have Jesus. I've prayed for God to fill them and to change them, but with so many ulterior motives, it's no longer even funny. I want God to change them and for them to love the Lord, not because that is what He desires of them, but so that way they will maybe be a little more tolerable at times. (It's important to note that this is not true of all of them, just one of them. They all have their moments though.) The problem with this is that I cannot be their savior. Period. I will fail them, I have failed them. And me pretending like this is all on me is the worst thing I can do. For them and for me. Especially for me. It's tiring. I obviously can only do so much without Christ and can only do all things through Him (Philippians 4:13), just ask them how many times,in the 2 months they have been here, that I've failed them. On second thought, don't.
I've learned that I'm totally capable of getting a schedule together, even though everything in me hates having to do it. I have to do it though because these kids find some peace in knowing what is for dinner tomorrow and breakfast and lunch and what we will be doing as a family, if anything. I've found that if I tell them about a doctors appt. or what time we're going to church or what-not, they will not freak out as much, even if they don't want to do it.
I've learned that,when you like someone, it's a lot easier to be humble and have humility with them. Not saying that it's ok to not do it when you don't like them, it's just a lot harder. Again, I've learned this the hard way.
I've learned that I miss my friends. I really truly miss hanging out with friends on a Friday evening just eating dinner or going to a movie or bowling or something like that. When we had Anna she was old enough that we could do those types of things with her. These 3 are so spread apart in age that it's just so tough sometimes.
Last, but not least, I've learned why my parents did everything they did when they did it and how they did it. I am so unbelievably thankful for the example Elias and I have in our parents. I'm also thankful for the advice we get from friends and family and the truth we receive when we are having a hard time.

Those are just some of the things I've learned. I'll try to be better about blogging. I promise.