From 0 to 3

Or from 2 to 5, depends on how you look at it.
We are officially foster parents to 3 kids. Yup, you read that right, 3 kids! They came here Tuesday night and then we've just sorta been on fast forward since then. It's been good so far. I'm super tired though. I think last night was the best sleep I have ever had. I feel like yesterday was a big blur.

They really are neat kids. Easy to talk to, very respectful, and cute as can be. I really wish y'all could see them for yourselves. My dog is worn out. I'm worn out. Elias is worn out. I'm sure they are worn out. Yesterday I was so tired that I remember thinking, 'tomorrow they will all 3 be in school and then I can rest.' It's tomorrow and while they definitely are in school and physically I'm resting, mentally and emotionally I'm not. It's strange how as soon as someone is in your care all you want is to make them feel safe. I remember feeling this way about Anna. And now I have 3 kids that I want to make sure are ok. I want to make sure that at school they are being treated right by students and staff. I want to make sure that they get enough to eat at lunch. I want to make sure that they are learning. I want to make sure they feel safe. I gave them each a little note card with our names and numbers and our address, just in case they need to fill it out or even to use it. But I really wish I could just be there with them to make sure that they know that no matter what it's going to be ok.

These kids are precious, not just to us, but to their family and friends they've had to leave behind and more importantly to our God. With that knowledge I can rest and trust that they are ok because I can't be there with them, but they are not alone. They have a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

So, let the adventure begin!

i feel?!?!?!?!?!

So today, yes, today, at about 5:30 pm we are expecting to have our very first placement. I am so....ahh, I have so many emotions that last for small bursts of moments at a time. I don't even know where to begin. Here are just some of the emotions I've felt since getting 'the' call yesterday:

1. happy
2. scared
3. nervous
4. unprepared
5. excited
6. nervous
7. hopeful
8. nervous
9. calm

Notice a trend? I am pretty nervous right about now. And I know this is probably normal, but still. I don't think I thought I'd be this nervous. 

I'm currently doing what I think is "nesting". Since I've never had a baby I'm not sure, but just from conversations with friends about their nesting stage of pregnancy, I think this is the equivalent in foster care. I will say, that I did do pretty much the same thing when we knew Anna was going to come stay with us. So, maybe it should just be called preparing and it should not be exclusive to pregnancy. My SIL said yesterday that it's like I just went in for my checkup to the doctor yesterday and they told me they are going to induce:) haha!

Anywho-of course there is the possibility that this could fall through, as a couple other placements have. But, they never got this far. So, pray for me. Pray that, above all, I would just love like I've been loved. And pray for the kids. Unfortunately I can't show you pictures of them or say their names or anything like that, but God knows them by name. Since before they were in their mother's womb. So just pray.

I miss her...

Photo by Walker Pickering

I know I've shown y'all a picture of her before and even talked a little bit about her, but today I'm just going to share some of the wonderful memories I have with this sweet girl and some of the things I miss. And Anna, if you are reading this, please don't be embarrassed;)

When Anna first got here I had absolutely no idea what to expect. I mean no idea. All I knew is that the moment I saw super blonde hair, jacket, and scarf (it was the end of August and we were in the middle of our heat wave) coming down the stairs at the airport, she was going to be in for the shock of her life and Elias and I were going to have to walk her through it. And we didn't even have to leave the airport for her to see that. As soon as we got outside I turned to look at her and her eyes were wide and she said "woo, it's hot!" I turned around and smiled to myself. I knew this was going to be a fun 5 months.

There were so many things that were lost in translation. So many things. Over the course of her stay here I realized that she probably spoke better English than most of the people I know, myself included. I also realized that we, Americans/Texans, have a lot of phrases that we use that she probably never caught on to and probably never will. I learned that there is a big difference in the way we say Michael in the US and they say Michael in Germany. Big difference;) I learned that paprika is not just a spice you put on food for seasoning, it's an actual bell pepper in Germany. Too bad it took 5 months to figure that one out. Poor girl. So, in honor of her recent 18th birthday (I know I'm a week too late) I'm going to list the 18 things I miss the most about Anna. *These are in no particular order.*

1. The way she always ate her spaghetti with a spoon and a fork. You know, how they teach in etiquette class.

2. The way that she would wear Burnt Orange because she knew I liked it, even though she really didn't like it much. 

3. The way she would always go to the store with me, even if it was a quick trip.

4. The way she would always tell me good morning and good bye in the morning as she was on her way to school.

5. The way she would ask us what something meant and why we would say stuff the way we did if it just didn't make sense.

6. The fact that she would go with us to church and we never had to 'drag' her there.

7. The way she loved Colty and told all her friends about him.

8. The way she called Elias "Elia" or "Papa E", depending on her mood.

9. The way that, while she was definitely more girly than me, she wasn't too girly when it came time to clothes. Thus, making it easy for me to shop with her.

10. The way she genuinely loved her Vans. And was very deliberate in picking them out because she wanted to wear them back in Germany.

11. The fact that she went with me to the UT football games and attempted to learn about football, even though she hated it.

12. The way she loved our friends and family.

13. The talks we would have after Elias had gone to bed, about just stuff.

14. The cute way she would whine when it came to school. Whining is just so much cuter in German.

15. The way that she picked up on "y'all" so fast and still uses it in her everyday language.

16. The way that, just a month into her 5 month stay with us, she said at dinner "oh, I'm gonna miss queso!"

17. The fact that she took a Texas flag home with her, because she was in Texas, not the US;)

18. The fact that even though we were pretty lame, she still humored us and told us we were the best host parents ever and will still talk to us, 9 months after she has left.

It's really hard thinking of just 18 things that you love and trying to generalize them. For every one of those things I love, there are a hundred memories wrapped up inside of them that make me love it even more. I would love to tell y'all the difference between Michael in German and Michael in English, but I promise you that reading it will not do it justice. Next time you see me or talk to me, just ask me and I'll be glad to verbally tell you the story. It's one you'll definitely want to hear.

I miss her. I wish she was back here with us. I wish that Germany and Austin were right next to each other. I wish that our future kids would get the chance to live with such a cool, sweet girl. She is the best German kid I could have ever asked for. She taught me so much about life and love. A different kind of love. She taught me that I can love someone else's child and send them back home when the time comes. And though I'm not in their life everyday, there will always be the memories.

And now I'll leave you with some pictures of just a few of these memories.

Her first weekend here, at the Co-op. She had no idea what she was doing this for, but she did it, bc I did:)

From the beginning they had their bond!

Again, the first weekend...she had no idea why we liked that cow so much.

By this point she understood a little more of what to do.

She rode a good old fashioned carnival ride at the Wurstfest.

She hung out with these old folks...

She was getting the hang of it. Still didn't like it too much, but she did it.

Dancing on the Wii.

One of her last nights here. 

Learning to wait. Waiting to learn.

I think that, so far, the hardest part of foster care has been the waiting. If I'm being honest, I'm not a fan of waiting. At all. I've been doing a Bible study on the book of Esther and she taught us about chiastic structure. Don't know what that is? Don't worry, I didn't either, at first. So, as she was teaching us this, I started thinking about what a good example of chiastic structure would be in my life right now. I came up with this, "I'm not learning to wait, I'm waiting to learn." And, boy, that is so true in my life.

I'm not quite sure I'll ever learn how to wait. In fact, I'm pretty confident that I will not ever master the art of waiting and being patient. However, the upside of waiting is learning. Learning that God is in control no matter how out of control the situation seems. Learning that His peace that passes all understanding can flood you and fill you to your very core. Learning that no matter how much you think you trust God, until you truly trust Him, I mean free falling with no safety net, you'll never be content. Learning so many things that if you had not been forced to wait, you probably would never have learned.

I can honestly say that there are so many things that I'm learning right now that it seems like I'll never stop waiting. I do not like saying no to a kid who really just needs a second chance because I am not only obligated to protect and love this kid that will be coming into my life but the people around me too. Breaks my heart. But in waiting, I learn that God has the perfect family for that kid out there and that He is still sovereign and in control of their life. I do not like being told about a situation that is pretty unusual, even for foster care, and come to terms with that possibly being in our life and then being told that they would like to wait for awhile to see if something else works out. But in waiting, I learn that God knows where those kids need to be and again, He is still sovereign and in control of their life. I do not like being given a choice of who I want to come into our lives and be our family. I would really rather them just give me a call that says, "we're on our way" rather than "do you have a minute, let me tell you about them and you tell me what you think". I'd rather just deal with it as I go along. Roll with the punches, if you will. But in waiting, I learn that God is so gracious that He gives me a choice so that I can turn to Him and seek His wisdom, rather than my own, and yet again, remember that He is still sovereign and in control of their life.

I could go on and on and on and on and....you get the picture. In this period of waiting I'm learning so much about my God who loves me and Elias so much. Waiting is not fun or good if you do it alone. But if you wait on the LORD, He will give you strength to endure the wait. You'll learn that He was showing you something that you needed to see and if you weren't being still and waiting you might have just passed it by. You'll learn that you weren't ever waiting for the sake of waiting, you were waiting to gain strength for what is coming ahead. You'll see that there was a purpose in your wait. And you'll learn, oh you will learn, if you're willing to wait, that He is worth waiting for.

"Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:31