Faith can move mountains

"And He said to them, because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you." Matthew 17:20

That is the verse that is running through my mind pretty much every time my mind wanders this past week. Because of HIPAA laws, I can't share specifics on this blog but I will do my best to share what I can.

When the kids came to us last October, we saw these 3 kids who were scared and timid. In particular, there was this girl standing at my door in jeans that had huge holes in them and she one arm was behind her back holding the other one at her side. I remember specifically noticing her posture and it sticking out more than anything. Over the course of the past (almost) year, our biggest struggle with her has definitely been confidence and self-esteem issues. I mean, come on, she is 13 years old in middle school. And if that's not rough enough, she is in foster care. And if that's not enough, she has this one thing that has been plaguing her her whole life. And that's not all of it. Like every 13 year old she is dealing with kids at school that could be mean. And it scared her. She was terrified of them knowing any of her deepest, darkest secrets. And it's not just the friends, it's everyone she encounters. She was not keen on people knowing some of the things in her life. And this one thing, we'll call it "The Thing" or TT for short, is something that she wants to deal with, it just won't be fun dealing with it.

This summer TT began the journey of no longer being a deep, dark secret, but instead being something that came to the light. It wasn't her choice, really. If she had had her way, she would have dealt with the thing in seclusion. But Isaiah 55:9 tells us that His ways are not our ways and thank God for that. It wasn't easy and it wasn't immediate, but it was perfect, as His ways always are. I mean seriously, I couldn't have orchestrated it any better than God did. There were definitely kinks, but again, His ways are perfect, so who am I to say they were kinks. 

It all started one day this summer. She did not have to face her fear yet. And when I say fear, I mean fear. TT was definitely something she felt ashamed of, something she was embarrassed about. Again, I can't share specifics, but let me tell you, I'm pretty sure I cried that day when I saw her facing that fear. Then TT was definitely going to be dealt with by some people who knew what they were doing. And that's when the shell started coming off. The darkness started to lift and she began to see the light. Then the kinks came. And it seemed like the darkness might try to rear it's ugly head again. But God is greater than that, He is able to do more than we could ever imagine. 

Fast forward about 6 weeks, TT decided it wanted to put up a fight. So, fight we did. A lot of us. We prayed for her and encouraged her as she was about to face her biggest fear. She was going to have to go to school and let her classmates in on her little secret. There would be no hiding it anymore. TT would be exposed for all to see. She already had to let kids at church in on TT and she found it was not nearly as horrible as she had imagined. But school, that's different. She has to see them everyday. One bad day can ruin a year. One deep, dark secret exposed can make every day seem dark and dreary. But we serve a God who allows suffering for our good and His. We serve a God who knows what He is doing. We serve a God who went before her and leveled mountains before she even went to school that Monday. We serve a God who goes with us and commands that we not be afraid. 

She went to school on Monday with at least a dozen people praying for her. And when I say praying, I mean, on our knees, begging God to be with her and go before her and to be her strength as TT came to light. And He did far more than that. He crushed that mountain because she had faith He could and she had people who loved her praying that that mountain would be destroyed. She went to school that Monday and was immediately encountered by a staff member who noticed TT and encouraged her that it would be ok because he too had had a "Thing" when he was her age. She said after speaking to him about TT, she knew it would be alright. Then she encountered friends and classmates that noticed TT and wanted to know more. Something she has dreaded her whole life. Can you imagine spending your whole life avoiding something because you only felt shame. Then in one day, not only is that something out for all to notice, but it's also the center of attention and very interesting to everyone. And let me tell you, when I picked her up from school that day she was smiling. SMILING!!! I mean, teeth showing, laughter coming out a little when I said something absolutely ridiculous to break the ice before I bombarded her with questions about the day, smiling. 

When the kids asked her questions about the TT, she told them and proudly proclaimed "It's how God made it. He knows what He's doing." And with that, the mountain was moved. And these foster parents were celebrating because they serve a BIG God. Huge. He is good. He is faithful. He is true to His Word. He is God. Don't ever forget that.  

Pray for grace

Foster care can really suck sometimes. There I said it. I feel bad for thinking that. Even worse for writing it. Especially since I'm such an advocate for it. Is it something that I would recommend to friends, maybe. Ugh, I feel even worse for typing that! See, I feel like I fail. And really, sometimes I do. Some days I wake up and try to will myself to just get over myself and remember that God called me to this life and it could be a lot worse. On some really bad days, I end the day by telling Elias that I think we should give up, quit while we're ahead, and "just have a baby."Ha! Those of you who really know me, know how absurd that last line was.

You see, my kids came to me with baggage, scars, wounds, whatever it is you want to call it. That night they showed up, they literally had bags and bags of baggage, both physical and emotional. And we knew that when we got into it. We knew that we would have things that they would have to work through and that we'd have to work through with them. And we have worked through a lot. For the most part, things have been smooth sailing with these kids. They really are great kids. But they have been through so much in their short lives. And on days where that baggage begins to be unpacked, foster care sucks. And the baggage isn't always bad. Sometimes they will share good memories that they have from their previous life, but it still sucks.

And I find that I suck. I find that I am not nearly as willing to extend grace to them as I should be. I don't always rejoice with them like I should. I get frustrated too easily. I get pulled out of my comfort zone too much and take it out on them. These kids, like every kid, need attention and affection. I can give limited attention and touch before I'm out of my comfort zone. And then, I get ugly. I get frustrated and it comes out in my tone or my body language. And they can feel it. It's not usually until I feel them back away that I feel bad. Elias sees it before I do usually and he is amazing at stepping in and redirecting their affections. And that's what they are, affections. And I reject them. Not all the time, but lately I'm finding it's happening more and more. It's beginning to get on my own nerves. It's so bad that every night we pray before dinner and every night Elias prays that we would be reminded of His grace and that we would remember to show grace.

But it's ok that foster care sucks sometimes. It should suck. It shouldn't even be needed. It's system that's broken and it is there to 'fix' broken kids. But we all know they don't need to be fixed by foster care, they need Jesus to make them whole again. Every now and then, on days where you want to throw in the towel, He'll remind you that He has it and nothing is impossible through Him. That even when I daydream of my pre-foster care life I can rejoice that my steps are ordered by Christ alone. I don't have to worry about falling completely, because He will never let me fall.

Y'all, foster care is hard. Maybe harder than I thought. But I promise, there are so many moments where I am reminded of how worth it it really is. I'll share more of those later.

This is not where I belong.

"All I know is I'm not home yet 

This is not where I belong 

Take this world and give me Jesus 

This is not where I belong"-Building 429

I think that the words to this song resonate with me because this is how I've felt for so long. *Before I go further, this is not a cry for help. I don't want to commit suicide or die.* The more that I read the Word of God and dig in and the more I learn about Jesus, the more I know that this is not where I belong. I have a longing for something more than what I find here. And days like this past Good Friday (4/6/12), I realize that my heart was most definitely not made for this world. 

An APD officer was shot and killed that night. "Routine" call. Shot and killed. In the blink of an eye, 2 little girls lost their dad. Parents lost their son. Officers lost a comrade. Like that. I saw it on the news and my heart broke. My mind immediately went to the fact that my husband was not yet home. He should have been home 2 hours ago. And then I remembered the words of Jesus, "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful." (John 14:27). I can have peace when things like that happen because God is with me.  I would be lying if I said I didn't hug Elias a little tighter or hold him a little longer when he got home, because I did. And my heart did break that day when I thought of the sadness that this family would be feeling. It stirred a longing that is in me and has been in me since I can remember.  


I was not made for this world. This world cannot satisfy me. It can give me a fix, but it can't be what I need. And this goes beyond worrying about Elias when he goes to work. I need this reminder when the kids make comments or have reactions to things that give me a glimpse into the hardships they've had to endure. And, to be completely real with you, I need God's peace when the kids or Elias or just anyone fails at satisfying me. Like when they talk back or complain about EVERY SINGLE THING and come off as completely ungrateful brats. Or when I feel like I have to explain for the millionth time why we are doing what we do. There are plenty of other verses that God gently whispers to remind me, but this one in particular seems to resonate in my heart quite a bit lately.


And then I am reminded that He is preparing me a place with Him. Thus this feeling of knowing that this world is not where I belong. I was created for somewhere different. And days like Good Friday remind me that my heart aches, not because the tragedies that happen in this world, but because He died so I might have life. And not just a life here on this earth, everlasting life. 

Thankful Thursday

Today, I am thankful for the Academy being over. While I made some really great friends, I am glad that we can now just be police wives/girlfriends and move on with life together. We're in it together. I really wish I had gotten more pictures with some of my new friends, but Friday was such a crazy blur with all the family and friends that came out to support all of the cadets. So, here are a few pictures from his graduation for your viewing pleasure.

My friend Laura and I before the ceremony. She was the first friend I made in the Academy and I absolutely adore her.

Me and my officer after the ceremony.

Elias and his family that came to support him.

Elias with my family that came out to support him.

Stacy and Ella made it out to support Elias.

2 years and 10 months

That's how long it took to get here. I can promise you that for most of that time we wondered and questioned if we were doing what God wanted us to do. We cried, yelled out in frustration, questioned God, begged God, begged our friends to pray, just about everything you can think of to do if you want God to answer your prayer. The biggest news in our family since the last time I blogged is that Elias graduated from the APD Police Academy on Friday! It was an amazing ceremony and I can only describe the feeling I had when I pinned his badge on him as amazing. Leading up to the actual pinning I kept telling some of the other wives that I just felt like I was going to puke, I was so nervous walking up in front of everyone. But the moment he got in line and held his hand out to me it went away and all I had left inside me was pride. I am so proud of my husband. He did 8 months of testing, academically and physically. It was hard for him from the beginning because testing academically just isn't his thing. And if that was not enough, he stayed faithful to God's call on our lives to be foster parents. Two months into the Academy we accepted a sibling set of 3 kiddos into our family and though we only have 2 of them with us currently, it definitely added to the stress he already had. But he did an amazing job, at the Academy and at home.

Now, we settle into life. When he was still in the Academy, we had a little countdown to graduation. On the last day of the countdown it was weird knowing that we wouldn't be counting down to something ending anymore, but instead just be moving forward. It's been interesting to say the least. He worked his first shift last night and he had a good time, came home and slept for most of the day and then went back out again today. While he doesn't have to study as rigorously as he did before, he still pulls out policy and procedure manuals to make sure he knows them 'just in case'.

In the time it took Elias to officially be a police officer I can honestly say that my walk with God has gotten stronger. When we first started this journey I would have told you that I trust God and that I seek Him with my life. Shortly after we started this journey I doubted God's goodness and I didn't trust Him. I didn't trust that His promises to never leave or forsake us (Joshua 1:5) or that we would be blessed      (Deuteronomy 28:2) were actually for us. I seriously doubted because things weren't going our way. Or at least, going the way I thought they should go. But God, being faithful and omniscient, knew that I would not get to the point I am at today without enduring some trials that would push me to Him (James 1:2-4). Thank You God that You are God and I am not.

Anyway, I think I'm going to buy into the blogging thing and start doing Thankful Thursday's.

Tell me more, tell me more.

OK, sorry that it took me so long to post again. I really am trying to get better at it.

A lot has changed since my last post. First, let me start off by saying today (2/23/12) marks the 1 month countdown to the end of the police academy!!! Woo-hoo! I know if I'm this excited Elias and the rest of the cadets absolutely must be too. As he was leaving to work this evening I called after him "Hey, 1 month left!" He turned around with the biggest grin on his face and said "I know!". Yea for this chapter in our lives almost being complete. He still has a lot to do in this last month, but 7 months ago I don't think there were any smiles when it came time to counting down.

In foster care news, the oldest kid we had has moved on to another placement. He seems to be doing well there and thriving. It was a hard decision to make, but so far (he's been gone a month) it seems to be a good one. The 2 younger kiddos are still with us. They are something else. Here is some information to help catch you up.

Our sweet girl:

• Turned 13 a couple of weeks ago. Yikes! Let me tell you, I'm thankful that is over.
• Has a pretty mild temperament. She's pretty good about getting over things fast and moving on. Although, she that period of time as she is getting over it is a pretty rough time, for me at least.
• She is doing well at school. She passes all her classes with A's & B's. Which is pretty good considering how much she has moved around in her life.
• She misses her dad and family and friends. She talks about him the most. But she seems to be coming to terms with her situation.
• She has, quite possibly, the sweetest heart. She wants to a veterinarian when she grows up, which means she'll have to go to a&m. She asks me if I'll hate her and says she promises to wear Burnt Orange and never put her 'horns down. I tell her it's ok to like her school, I love mine\m/ She is finally old enough to volunteer at the animal shelters here and we are working on getting that to happen here soon. One day on of those SPCA commercials came on and she looked over at me with the most sincere look and said "when I grow up, those are the kind of animals I'm going to help. The ones nobody wants." *love*
• She often says things that break my heart, both loving things and mean things. But that's another post.
• She is starting to learn truths about God and often asks me and Elias questions about Him. She seems to want to understand and we are praying that God would reveal Himself to her.
• I love that girl. Absolutely love her. Wouldn't trade any of her silly girlness for anything.

Out little boy:

• This kid is crazy! He is 9 and has the energy of just about any 9 year old, sometimes more. He also is a little cutie and he knows it. Which is not a good thing. 
• He struggles more in school because he has had the most inconsistent life. Their troubles started when he was just a little baby so he has never really had consistent education. But he is improving. It's slow and painful, but it's good to see the strides he has made so far.
• He misses his dad and often requests to see him for holiday's. He also recalls most of his brother and sisters memories as his own.
• He loves Elias. He loves that he is a "cop" and thinks he's the funniest person ever. It's so fun to see him with him. 
• He loves approval. He seeks it all the time. I swear he's like a little chameleon. He loves affirmation and it breaks his little heart when he doesn't get it.
• He tests my patience the most. I swear that I suck the most with him. He doesn't even know when he's pushing my buttons or even how to do it, but he does do it. 
• I love this boy. He's so precious. I wouldn't trade him for anything.

So, there is a little bit about the kids and what's going on. Next up will be some of the lessons we are learning.

Wrapping up...

Sorry that it has been so long since I last posted. So much has happened and is yet to happen that I really hesitate writing this post. But, I don't want to not write just because it seems like a lot of information. Christmas and New Year's were a lot of fun. We continued in our same traditions and had so much fun sharing them with these 3 new kids. Thanksgiving was good too. It was fun to share the love that we receive so naturally from our friends and family. Since this is a pretty random post with lots of information I'll just get right to it.
Thanksgiving- We continued the tradition of going to Freeport to spend time with both of our families. Elias and I are so blessed that our families are from the same town and we literally have a 4 minute drive from one house to the next when we go home. I think the kids were a little overwhelmed by exactly how much family we had. I told them not to panic too much at Christmas when we were with my mom's side of the family. The kids had never really had a Thanksgiving meal before so they were definitely shocked by how much food there really was.
Christmas- Again, we went home and continued in the traditions that we have done pretty much our whole lives. Christmas Eve we went to my mom's sisters house and had our traditional tamales, beefy mac and other things. I can't imagine not being with everyone on Christmas Eve. It was sadder this year, as we lost my cousin earlier in the month. It was weird not having him there making fun of the girls plates as we stack them higher and higher with food. Or telling us how beautiful we are. Or cracking jokes on just about everyone. He was one of us, one of the cousins. Most of my memories of my family include him. It was weird having just his face in a frame on the wall. To not hear his goober laugh or to hear someone say "Ay, Christopher!" But we had a good time again this year. We'll just definitely miss him. My mom's family then headed home and did our traditional opening gifts at midnight. As we are all getting older we are wondering why on earth we opened presents at midnight, but we do and it's always fun. Christmas day my dad's sisters came over and so did Elias' sister and girls. We had fun watching movies and eating tamales, menudo and posole. That night we went to Elias' brothers house for a little while. All in all, Christmas was fun.
New Years Eve-We continued the tradition of having people over for game night. This time we had some friends we've made through the police academy. It was a lot of fun. I definitely think the highlight was seeing cadets dancing to "Jump On It". There was lots of yummy food and lots of fun was had.

That is the holiday wrap up. Next up...kids.