Don't judge me.

We are almost done! We are about 99% done with our certification for foster care. I'm so excited and ready and nervous and scared all at the same time. It's a little weird to be feeling those things all at once. It's so crazy to think that we're going to have a kid(s) in our care in a week or so. It's also crazy to think of all the emotions that will go with having kids. I'm a pretty emotional person who usually likes to just get the emotion out and move on. Especially if it's more of a negative emotion (anger, jealousy, frustration, etc.).


Three times yesterday I had conversations with friends about what is coming up in our lives and how different it's going to be. It's amazing how God knows just what you need to be around when you need it and how He puts people in your life who will challenge you in the ways you will need to be challenged.


A recurring theme came up that I want to talk about here. It's actually what I am the most worried about. So bear with me as I lay it out.


My biggest fear is what other people will say about my kids and how I will respond. You see, we might have kids who just don't know how to act. I'm sure I'm going to be 'that mom' with 'those kids' who get the condescending looks and comments in the restaurant and the store. I'm pretty confident that my kids are going to do something that other parents would never allow their kids to do. My kids are going to have issues that we are going to have to deal with. And Elias and I are more than willing to deal with them because let's face it, we have issues that God deals with and He loves us still. But my biggest fear is not so much that I'm concerned with what other people think of my kids (although that could change once I have them here)  but with how I am going to react. Remember what I said about being an emotional person? I'm afraid that the first time someone gives that look or says something or makes my child feel bad for no good reason I'm not going to be nice. And I mean it. My first reaction when someone hurts anyone I love is 'I want to punch you in the face.' And in the moment I really do. But what usually happens, because I'm so mature (ha!) or I'm not in a place where I could punch them and get away with it (99% of the time), is I get really angry and then cry! And it's not because I want them to feel sorry for me or even because I'm sad. It's all because for some reason my eyes never seem to be able to hold back the emotion that I have. And then, I'm going to be even more mad that I cried in front of them and let them have the satisfaction of seeing it.


And that's not what I want for many reasons. 1st-Christ has called us to love and to forgive. (Proverbs 20:22, Proverbs 24:29). He says not to pay them back for what they did. 2nd-What kind of example would that be for the kids that God will be entrusting us with? And what kind of example would that be for them? Romans 12:17-21 says "Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord. “BUT IF YOUR ENEMY IS HUNGRY, FEED HIM, AND IF HE IS THIRSTY, GIVE HIM A DRINK; FOR IN SO DOING YOU WILL HEAP BURNING COALS ON HIS HEAD.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."   This passage has been resonating in my heart for about a week now. Coincidence with everything going on? Come on! He has a plan and He has already determined this time in my life. There is no such thing as coincidence, it's all God's providence. 


We are so blessed to be able to have so many people surrounding us that love us and are supporting us through this time so I know there will be lots of accountability. And I know that our God is a gracious loving God, so if I slip up and say something in anger to someone, He'll still love me and He'll still forgive me. Doesn't mean He won't discipline me, but His love will still be there. 


I think I'll just stay inside and avoid everyone else who doesn't support us. Problem solved. But, just in case I venture out of these 4 walls, I'm going to kill 'em with kindness. And if and when those looks or comments come our way I will remember the words of my Lord.