This blog update is to update everyone on what is going on with the kids. It'll probably be short because I can't go into too much detail until they are officially ours. That's right, you read that correctly, we are thisclose to adopting our kiddos!!
I cannot wait until we adopt them and can be done with monthly reports/visits/appointments. And we've only been doing these for the past 2 years. My kids have had to deal with visits from different agency's for so long now. They are ready to be done with the foster care system too.
Our boy routinely asks when it, the adoption, will be done. Anytime we have an appointment for anything and come home his first question is, "are we adopted yet?". It's cute and sad all at the same time. Our girl is just ready to be done with talking to different people all the time. She is finally in a place where she is happy and comfortable and she wants to quit having to tell everyone she is happy and comfortable. I can't say that I blame her. As far as foster kids go, our kids are pretty well adjusted and have very few signs of trauma and negative experiences in their lives. Honestly, sometimes when they do exhibit the effects of neglect/trauma I forget that they are in foster care. That they have legitimate reasons for acting the way they are at that moment. I have to remind myself, sometimes after the fact, that they are still dealing with some pretty big changes in life.
Right now, the timeline we are looking at is about 1 month or so. We are pretty much just waiting on the paperwork to be finalized for the transfer from the county their case was in to ours and miscellaneous other items to check off. I'm super excited and Elias is too. Like I said, we can't wait to have this adoption finalized and we are both glad that it is happening before the baby gets here. We cannot wait for our friends and family to go with us to the courthouse and celebrate with us afterwards. We are just ready. Personally, I'm ready to show y'all pictures of them too because they are pretty cute kids.
So, that's what's going on in regards to adoption. We are so close to having it finalized and can't believe that it's almost here!
Living this crazy life the Robles way. It's not always easy, but it's always worth it.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Monday, June 3, 2013
No me diga
When I was growing up, my dad's family would often call me "Nomediga". I had no idea what that meant. I was named after my dad's mom, so I figured this was probably something she was called growing up and it just passed on to me. When I got to UT and took my first Spanish class, I learned what that phrase meant, "Do not tell me". Turns out my grandma Hope did not like to be called Esperanza (our name in Spanish), so when people would call her that she would reply "No me diga Esperanza". Haha! I totally get it now. I understand not wanting to be told something or called something.
All of that to say, recently there have been many times that phrase has come to my mind. You see, in January, Elias and I found out that God wanted our family to include a baby. We were pretty certain that our kids would all be older and not include diapers or formula or other little baby things. Don't get me wrong, I love babies. They are cute and little and for the most part pretty cool. I just never had the desire to be with child or birth a child or stay up at night with a child or any of those things. But God had a baby planned for our family all along. To say we were surprised would be an understatement. Elias and I always said we did not have any plans to give birth to a child, but we also always knew that if it was what God wanted, then it was what would happen. Mary or Sarah, anyone?!?
Needless to say, as soon as we found out we were going to have a baby, my first thought was my kids I already had. How would this affect them? Would they feel left out or less loved? Would people make them feel less loved/uncomfortable? I immediately became their biggest defender on earth because I had already heard stories of kids who were adopted or in the process of being adopted when their parents got pregnant. It scared me for them. I cried for them because I did not want them to feel like they were any less our kids than this baby I was now carrying. I also was scared because you can't control what people will say to them when you aren't around or shoot, even when you are around. And I immediately put my defenses up because I knew that I struggle with giving grace to people and this would definitely be a test of that grace giving I struggled with.
So, now that you know why I didn't turn to booze/drugs for comfort, let me tell you what not to tell me.
No me diga-that this always happens. You try to get pregnant and adopt and then boom, here comes baby. My kids were not Plan B. They were not a means to an end for us. From the day Elias and I began the family making process, adoption was there. We didn't know all the details, but we always knew we would adopt and that our family would be comprised of kids that were not biologically ours.
With that being said, please, please please, do not tell me that we deserve our own kid. I'm sure you mean well, but that hurts. On so many levels. I know so many people who have struggled to have kids and it just hasn't been in God's plan for them. That does not make them less deserving of a child. It just means God has a plan for them that they don't know yet, or maybe they do, who cares! And that hurts me and Elias as the parents of our kids. They are our kids as much as this little baby I am carrying is our kid. They are loved just as much. When they mess up or annoy me (just being real here), I don't get to say "well, you aren't my kid". Sure, there is a genetic make up that makes them look and act a little differently that us, but the more they are around us the more they are just like us. It's sometimes a little scary at how much like us they really are.
On that note, please, for the love of all things good, do not ask me if we will continue with the adoption of our kids. This one doesn't really hurt, it kinda stings. I take it personally. Who do you think we are?!? Do you think that we are mean, evil people who would bring these 2 kids into our family and love them and bring them this far just to send them back out on their own to figure it out? What do think of me if you think that this is a thought I could even have. Our kids are excited to have a baby sibling in their lives. Our boy is excited to finally get to be a big brother! They are our kids. My girl is my first born and this baby will be the baby of the family. We won't be a family of 3, we'll be a family of 5! And please, don't ask in front of the kids or when they are anywhere within earshot. If you want to see mama bear come out, especially with these hormones pulsing through me right now, go ahead and ask. But for the love, please, just don't.
Please do not tell me that I will make a great mom. Again, that one hurts. Foster moms and dads are moms and dads too. We care for these kids every day. We advocate for them in public and in school. We do mom and dad things. We deal with things so they won't have to deal with them. We provide for their physical needs as well as emotional. Did I already say we do mom and dad things, because we do. I am a mom. I became a mom a long time ago. First to my dog:), then to my kids. I am already responsible for making sure that so many things happen in their life, adding a baby to the mix will just make it exciting and challenging, but it won't suddenly negate what I've been doing these past few years.
I'm sure I am forgetting so many things that could be said so I'll update if anything else comes up. Thanks again for hearing me out on this one. If I sound mean, sorry. I'm just really passionate about this subject. Must have gotten that from my Grandma Hope.
So, now that you know why I didn't turn to booze/drugs for comfort, let me tell you what not to tell me.
No me diga-that this always happens. You try to get pregnant and adopt and then boom, here comes baby. My kids were not Plan B. They were not a means to an end for us. From the day Elias and I began the family making process, adoption was there. We didn't know all the details, but we always knew we would adopt and that our family would be comprised of kids that were not biologically ours.
With that being said, please, please please, do not tell me that we deserve our own kid. I'm sure you mean well, but that hurts. On so many levels. I know so many people who have struggled to have kids and it just hasn't been in God's plan for them. That does not make them less deserving of a child. It just means God has a plan for them that they don't know yet, or maybe they do, who cares! And that hurts me and Elias as the parents of our kids. They are our kids as much as this little baby I am carrying is our kid. They are loved just as much. When they mess up or annoy me (just being real here), I don't get to say "well, you aren't my kid". Sure, there is a genetic make up that makes them look and act a little differently that us, but the more they are around us the more they are just like us. It's sometimes a little scary at how much like us they really are.
On that note, please, for the love of all things good, do not ask me if we will continue with the adoption of our kids. This one doesn't really hurt, it kinda stings. I take it personally. Who do you think we are?!? Do you think that we are mean, evil people who would bring these 2 kids into our family and love them and bring them this far just to send them back out on their own to figure it out? What do think of me if you think that this is a thought I could even have. Our kids are excited to have a baby sibling in their lives. Our boy is excited to finally get to be a big brother! They are our kids. My girl is my first born and this baby will be the baby of the family. We won't be a family of 3, we'll be a family of 5! And please, don't ask in front of the kids or when they are anywhere within earshot. If you want to see mama bear come out, especially with these hormones pulsing through me right now, go ahead and ask. But for the love, please, just don't.
Please do not tell me that I will make a great mom. Again, that one hurts. Foster moms and dads are moms and dads too. We care for these kids every day. We advocate for them in public and in school. We do mom and dad things. We deal with things so they won't have to deal with them. We provide for their physical needs as well as emotional. Did I already say we do mom and dad things, because we do. I am a mom. I became a mom a long time ago. First to my dog:), then to my kids. I am already responsible for making sure that so many things happen in their life, adding a baby to the mix will just make it exciting and challenging, but it won't suddenly negate what I've been doing these past few years.
I'm sure I am forgetting so many things that could be said so I'll update if anything else comes up. Thanks again for hearing me out on this one. If I sound mean, sorry. I'm just really passionate about this subject. Must have gotten that from my Grandma Hope.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
What I've learned
In the past 3 and a half months since Colty died I have learned a lot about myself. It's been hard learning some of the things I have learned, but at the same time, it's been good. I'm discovering I'm pretty wordy, so hopefully I fit it all in one post.
I think the #1 thing I have learned about myself is that I trust God, I really do. And I'm not saying that in a "I'm all holy and I've figured it out" way. I'm saying that in a, "I really surprised myself and I've still got so much more to figure out" way. I remember a good friend of mine telling me that it will begin to be tolerable, but it (the pain) will always be there. She was absolutely right. I've learned to deal with that pain, but that doesn't mean it left completely. It's still there, raw and ugly and painful. But, the way I've dealt with that pain is giving it to Jesus and trusting Him. I trust Him. Colt dying did not take Him off His throne. It rocked my world, sure, but it did not take away the power of the grave in my life. I remember those first few nights after he died. I would wake up pretty much every hour and remember. Remember he was gone and that it hurt. Sometimes Elias was here, sometimes my mom was on the phone with me, but I remember them both telling me that I needed to ask God to take the pain away. And I did. I whole-heartedly believed that He could and He would take the pain away. Even if it was in His timing and that timing was not when I wanted it. And because I trusted Him, I begged Him to please just take it away. Because I knew I serve a God who is good and faithful and true. And because I knew that, in those dark moments since that day, I have been able to beg Him, ask Him to please just make it better. And He does. Sometimes, it's right then and there. Sometimes, it takes a little time, but it's always been there and it's always been so comforting. I don't trust Him because He has given me peace when I was expecting it. I trust Him because without Him, I have no joy. My joy would be gone. It would have gone that day in February. And what is life without joy?
The other thing I have learned about myself is that I believe God's word more than I ever thought I did. And I don't just believe it, I cling to it with my life. Again, I'm not just talking about the happy promises for eternal life and joy everlasting and stuff like that. I believe that when He says over and over that we need to be in community with the Church and we need to lift each other up, He is serious. Because let me tell you, the #2 way I got through that dark period in my life was through my community. God has richly blessed Elias and I with loving family and friends who not only love us and our kids, but they loved our dog. They loved him because we loved him. And they have rejoiced with us when we have rejoiced and they have mourned with us when we have mourned. We had friends and family who called/texted just to say they were sorry and that they too would miss Colty. We had friends and family send us stuff and bring us flowers and food. We had friends and family who just cried with us and let us cry when words were not enough. When we first got our kids, we had the same support and we continue to see that same support in our life. Why I thought it would be any different when the circumstances were sadder, I have no idea. But, I see the need for community. I see the need for people to lift you up when you can't get up. For people to serve you when you need it. For people to just love you when you are having a hard time. I can't say it enough, I believe God's Word is true. I believe when He says that in this world we'll have troubles but He has overcome this world, that He is serious. I know life won't be easy. That dream ended in a garden a long time ago. But I also know that I am constantly reminded of what He says every time something happens or is going on in life. Even everyday things like breathing, yup, He gave me breath. So I not only trust God with my life, I believe Him too.
Another thing I learned, which is something that I'm really trying to work on, is that I definitely have idols in my life that need to go. And some of those things are slowly leaving or have already left, but some I try to justify keeping around. When Colt died, I never once asked God why it had to be Colt, but I did try to think of other things I would be ok with Him taking instead. Like, y'all, I made a list. As I made the list I noticed one common thing on the list and off the list. Everything on the list started with "my". He could take, my health, my house, my car, my money, my clothes, my tv, my whatever I have. But then I left off some pretty big things. He had already taken Colty, but I still left him off my list of what God could have. I left Elias and the kids off. I left my friends and my family off. I left off some other things too. I noticed that I had a comfort idol rearing it's ugly little head. I made a list of what could be replaced if needed. Whether it be purchased again brand new or used, wouldn't matter. It could be replaced. I left off of that list what I believe I couldn't handle losing. You're probably thinking, "How can she say she trusts God and believes Him if she has idols she is holding on to?". Well, the answer is trusting God and believing Him and knowing that I will not be perfect on this side of heaven and He will constantly be refining me because His Word says it over and over. This means there will be times of doubt and unbelief, mostly unknowingly and not on purpose. But I always come back to Him and regret leaving in the first place.
The last thing I learned is I find no true comfort outside of God. I remember reading a blog post about what to tell someone in case of a tragedy in their life. And it resonated with me. When Elias became a police officer the likelihood of tragedy striking our family dramatically increased. I have told several friends about that post and told them that it is what I needed to hear in case something happened. I need to hear truth. When Colt died, I was offered many things for comfort. And they were nice, sweet, gesture that definitely helped. But I noticed something in some of the offers of comfort, those offers weren't always true. For instance, "it'll be ok", still doesn't feel true to me. Please hear my heart on this, I'm not saying that if you said those things, you are a liar and/or a horrible friend. I really truly appreciate every kind word that was spoken to me and my family in our time of loss. But what I have discovered about myself, God has put a desire in me that only He has been able to fill. When Colty died, I needed to hear that God is still God and He was still in control. I needed to be reminded of the verses that make me believe He is who He says He is and He does what He says He does. I needed people who would speak His truth into me and remind me that He will never leave me and that He never forsook me. I found that that need for His truth was met through songs, pastors, friends, family, notes. Even in memories. I was actually really surprised that I didn't turn to other things to comfort me, you know, like food, booze, drugs (illegal or prescribed), whatever would numb the pain and make it go away that instant. And, I know that confession may shock a lot of you, but you don't know my history yet, so, bear with me as I get to that part in another post. Also, there is definitely a good reason why I did not turn to those things, even though it was tempting at times, but again, another post for another day.
So, those are some of the things I learned about myself. I speak better than I type, so this post probably does not make sense, so I apologize. If you would like to know more about any of the things that I learned, please do not hesitate to ask me. There are some things that I do like to keep to myself, but mostly I don't mind sharing my heart on things. And if I put it out here, it's fair game, right?!?
I think the #1 thing I have learned about myself is that I trust God, I really do. And I'm not saying that in a "I'm all holy and I've figured it out" way. I'm saying that in a, "I really surprised myself and I've still got so much more to figure out" way. I remember a good friend of mine telling me that it will begin to be tolerable, but it (the pain) will always be there. She was absolutely right. I've learned to deal with that pain, but that doesn't mean it left completely. It's still there, raw and ugly and painful. But, the way I've dealt with that pain is giving it to Jesus and trusting Him. I trust Him. Colt dying did not take Him off His throne. It rocked my world, sure, but it did not take away the power of the grave in my life. I remember those first few nights after he died. I would wake up pretty much every hour and remember. Remember he was gone and that it hurt. Sometimes Elias was here, sometimes my mom was on the phone with me, but I remember them both telling me that I needed to ask God to take the pain away. And I did. I whole-heartedly believed that He could and He would take the pain away. Even if it was in His timing and that timing was not when I wanted it. And because I trusted Him, I begged Him to please just take it away. Because I knew I serve a God who is good and faithful and true. And because I knew that, in those dark moments since that day, I have been able to beg Him, ask Him to please just make it better. And He does. Sometimes, it's right then and there. Sometimes, it takes a little time, but it's always been there and it's always been so comforting. I don't trust Him because He has given me peace when I was expecting it. I trust Him because without Him, I have no joy. My joy would be gone. It would have gone that day in February. And what is life without joy?
The other thing I have learned about myself is that I believe God's word more than I ever thought I did. And I don't just believe it, I cling to it with my life. Again, I'm not just talking about the happy promises for eternal life and joy everlasting and stuff like that. I believe that when He says over and over that we need to be in community with the Church and we need to lift each other up, He is serious. Because let me tell you, the #2 way I got through that dark period in my life was through my community. God has richly blessed Elias and I with loving family and friends who not only love us and our kids, but they loved our dog. They loved him because we loved him. And they have rejoiced with us when we have rejoiced and they have mourned with us when we have mourned. We had friends and family who called/texted just to say they were sorry and that they too would miss Colty. We had friends and family send us stuff and bring us flowers and food. We had friends and family who just cried with us and let us cry when words were not enough. When we first got our kids, we had the same support and we continue to see that same support in our life. Why I thought it would be any different when the circumstances were sadder, I have no idea. But, I see the need for community. I see the need for people to lift you up when you can't get up. For people to serve you when you need it. For people to just love you when you are having a hard time. I can't say it enough, I believe God's Word is true. I believe when He says that in this world we'll have troubles but He has overcome this world, that He is serious. I know life won't be easy. That dream ended in a garden a long time ago. But I also know that I am constantly reminded of what He says every time something happens or is going on in life. Even everyday things like breathing, yup, He gave me breath. So I not only trust God with my life, I believe Him too.
Another thing I learned, which is something that I'm really trying to work on, is that I definitely have idols in my life that need to go. And some of those things are slowly leaving or have already left, but some I try to justify keeping around. When Colt died, I never once asked God why it had to be Colt, but I did try to think of other things I would be ok with Him taking instead. Like, y'all, I made a list. As I made the list I noticed one common thing on the list and off the list. Everything on the list started with "my". He could take, my health, my house, my car, my money, my clothes, my tv, my whatever I have. But then I left off some pretty big things. He had already taken Colty, but I still left him off my list of what God could have. I left Elias and the kids off. I left my friends and my family off. I left off some other things too. I noticed that I had a comfort idol rearing it's ugly little head. I made a list of what could be replaced if needed. Whether it be purchased again brand new or used, wouldn't matter. It could be replaced. I left off of that list what I believe I couldn't handle losing. You're probably thinking, "How can she say she trusts God and believes Him if she has idols she is holding on to?". Well, the answer is trusting God and believing Him and knowing that I will not be perfect on this side of heaven and He will constantly be refining me because His Word says it over and over. This means there will be times of doubt and unbelief, mostly unknowingly and not on purpose. But I always come back to Him and regret leaving in the first place.
The last thing I learned is I find no true comfort outside of God. I remember reading a blog post about what to tell someone in case of a tragedy in their life. And it resonated with me. When Elias became a police officer the likelihood of tragedy striking our family dramatically increased. I have told several friends about that post and told them that it is what I needed to hear in case something happened. I need to hear truth. When Colt died, I was offered many things for comfort. And they were nice, sweet, gesture that definitely helped. But I noticed something in some of the offers of comfort, those offers weren't always true. For instance, "it'll be ok", still doesn't feel true to me. Please hear my heart on this, I'm not saying that if you said those things, you are a liar and/or a horrible friend. I really truly appreciate every kind word that was spoken to me and my family in our time of loss. But what I have discovered about myself, God has put a desire in me that only He has been able to fill. When Colty died, I needed to hear that God is still God and He was still in control. I needed to be reminded of the verses that make me believe He is who He says He is and He does what He says He does. I needed people who would speak His truth into me and remind me that He will never leave me and that He never forsook me. I found that that need for His truth was met through songs, pastors, friends, family, notes. Even in memories. I was actually really surprised that I didn't turn to other things to comfort me, you know, like food, booze, drugs (illegal or prescribed), whatever would numb the pain and make it go away that instant. And, I know that confession may shock a lot of you, but you don't know my history yet, so, bear with me as I get to that part in another post. Also, there is definitely a good reason why I did not turn to those things, even though it was tempting at times, but again, another post for another day.
So, those are some of the things I learned about myself. I speak better than I type, so this post probably does not make sense, so I apologize. If you would like to know more about any of the things that I learned, please do not hesitate to ask me. There are some things that I do like to keep to myself, but mostly I don't mind sharing my heart on things. And if I put it out here, it's fair game, right?!?
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Colt-The incident...(this is sad)
I want you to be aware of the fact that this is not the happy blog post about the life of Colt, this is the sad one. So if you are pregnant, don't read it because you will sob. If you just get sad in general, don't read it, because you will get sad.
This will be hard for me to type up. I mean, honestly, I can't believe that I am even in a position to write this. I can't believe my precious Colty is gone. It sucks and I wouldn't do it, but he was an amazing companion and member of our family. Because I want to get it out of the way, I'll explain what happened first and then go from there.
On February 13th, I woke up and did our morning thing. Colty was actually sleeping at my head, which he rarely did voluntarily. He usually slept at my feet or next to me under the covers. I remember smiling when I woke up because I could feel him leaning against me and I could hear him snoring. I got up and got ready to take the boy to school. As soon as I grabbed my keys to go, here came Colty running to the door because he did not want to be left. He always rode with me to take the boy to school, unless it was too cold, then he would stay home:) We took the boy to school and Colty spent a little extra time giving him kisses. I even heard the boy say, while laughing, "ok Colty, I have to go to school now. I love you, too!". Since it was a nice morning I decided to open the window up so Colty could stick his head out as we went back home. I had already decided that I was going to make taking Colt for walks a regular thing, so I decided that since I was going to go walk I could justify getting donuts for Elias and I and a kolache for Colty. (I realize that you are judging me, go ahead, I don't regret spoiling my dog and you won't make me feel bad.) I went in and got our donuts, cake donut for me, glazed donuts for Elias and at the last minute I decided to splurge and get Colt a jumbo kolache. I remember leaving the donut store and getting into the car and smiling at the thought of how happy Colt was about to be. We got home and Elias was awake by this point. We ate our breakfast and Colt devoured his kolache. He then came and sat by me wondering if I possibly had anymore for him. We all got ready to go to Town Lake. Colt loved Town Lake. He loved the freedom of running ahead of us and playing with other dogs and occasionally getting in the water. Colt always knew that we were taking him for a walk when we would get his leash down. He was so excited to jump in the car and take the car ride up to Town Lake. We got to Town Lake and walked around the short loop once. Colt did his usual thing, run ahead of us, turn back to make sure we were coming, then go ahead of us some more. It was fun. After we finished the loop, we let Colt play with the dogs for a little while. He loved just running around and getting the big dogs to chase him. He loved running up to the people who were there with their dogs. There was another Boston Terrier there that morning and Colt had a good time playing with him for a little while.
We eventually left and decided to stop at Sandy's to get a burger and a shake. I ate about half of my burger and couldn't resist the puppy dog eyes and massive drool that was falling from his mouth. Around this time time after getting some exercise in and having a full stomach Colt and I decided to spend the rest of the afternoon doing our favorite thing, sleeping:) We slept until Elias went to exercise. Before Elias left, though, he looked at Colty and I lying on the couch and smiled and then grabbed the iPad to take a picture of Colty. I'm so glad he did, that was the last picture we got of our precious Colty. Colty and I woke up and went to get the boy from school. Again, Colt loved going with me to do this. We picked the boy up and again Colty got to ride with his head out of the window. We got home and laid down again. (I promise I'm not that lazy all the time.) Everything else from here on out is sort of a blur and honestly I'm ok with that. I woke up when my neighbor came over to chat. We chatted for about an hour or so with Colt being super excited that she came over to see him. I just remember him bringing her the ball over and over, like he always did, and her just pushing it off the couch, like she always did. She had just said that Colt was determined to make her like him and he was starting to be successful in that endeavor. I just smiled and said of course he is, he's Colt, who could possibly not like him?!? The next thing I remember I saw our other neighbor walking across our yard and come to our front door. I went to open the door to see what was going on and he had Colt by the collar. Colt had gotten out, I though he was just in the backyard. I was thanking him for bringing Colt back to us and he began telling us how he had just gotten a Boxer so he was glad to bring Colt back to us. Colt ran inside and went to the kitchen to get some of his water. Elias and I were speaking to our neighbor at the front door when it happened. Colt bolted out the front door across the street to where there were kids and other dogs, except he didn't make it across the street. It still hurts to think of this part and I have BEGGED God to take this memory from me. Like, literally, begged Him to erase this part from my mind. It is the worst feeling to see something about to happen and know you can't do anything about it. Especially when it happens to someone/something you love so much. I just remember Elias scooping Colt up and putting him in the car and I grabbed the keys and we left, our neighbor grabbed the kids and locked up our house. We took him to our normal vet who was about to close and they helped him by giving him some oxygen and then called the emergency vet to let them know we would be on the way. We drove Colt to the emergency vet that was halfway across town, at rush hour. I was praying, Elias was praying. I was driving like a mad woman and it was by the grace of God that we didn't wreck or get pulled over.
We got to the vet and they began treating him with oxygen immediately. In our haste to get Colt to the vet we left some important stuff at home that sort of slowed them down a little, but that was handled pretty fast. They were getting Colty ready to go do X-Ray's and let us see him before they did. I just remember hearing the heart monitor and seeing him laying there. My crazy, active pup was just laying there. I hugged him and cried. I apologized for letting this happened and begged him to fight and not leave me. Then Colt did something that warms my heart to this day, he picked his head up off the table, out of the oxygen mask and gave me a kiss. It was the sweetest thing I've ever experienced. My sweet pup was in so much pain and wanted to comfort me still. They did the X-Rays and told us that it wasn't as bad as it could have been and that he would need surgery to fix his hip that was broken and that he could have that done as soon as a couple of days. We went in to tell him goodbye for the night and it was the 2nd hardest thing I have ever done. I felt horrible leaving him there, but I knew he was in good hands. The vet told us to call at any point that night if we needed to.
We got home, told the kids he was gonna be ok and then they went to bed. Up until this point I had broken down other than when I saw him. I went into my room and looked at my bed, where my pup should be, would be if it was any other normal day and I broke down. Elias broke down. Our sweet pup was hurt and it was bad and we couldn't do anything for him. It was horrible. I woke up every 2 hours that night and called the vet each time I did. I begged God to please heal my Colty and please don't take him from me. I begged God to erase my mind of what happened. We woke up the next morning to a call from the vet saying that Colt had actually done better than they expected through the night and they would release him to be taken to a surgeon to begin his healing process. We got the kids off to school and then got ready and went to pick Colt up to take him to the surgeon. We got him to the surgeon earlier than expected and they had us wait while they took in other pets. Elias was upset, to say the least. I enjoyed a little one on one time with my Colty, even though he was hurt. I enjoyed hugging him and kissing him and telling him I love him without vets and other people there. They took Colt in and we went into a room to wait for the vet to come tell us the plan. The vet was really nice. She explained everything to us and reassured us that while anything was possible, he should be able to recover nicely...slowly, but nicely. I just remember breaking down at the thought of Colt being in anymore pain, but I was willing to do whatever I needed to do to make him better. We got to see Colt again before we had to leave. This vet was a little stricter about calls and visits so we went and spent some time with him knowing we wouldn't be able to see him until after surgery. They took us back into the room and there was my Colty, lying on a table, again. This time, he saw us when we walked in and picked his head up to follow us until we were right next to him. I cried some more and hugged him some more. I told him I loved him and apologized again. I kissed him and told him we would see him tomorrow. Elias did the same thing. We walked away and I turned back to look one more time. He was just laying there. This was the last time we saw Colt alive. I remember thinking that he was hurt and that he was too good of a dog to go through this. I remember praying and asking God to please just heal him.
February 15th was the worst day of my life. We woke up that morning and called the vet. She had said that if Colt did well through the night she would operate on him around noon that day. We wanted to see how he did. She said he did wonderful, he had started sitting up and was more alert. She said she was confident he was ready for surgery so she would be doing it that day. She said we could come see him afterwards and she would call me to tell me how he did. We had a training for foster care that morning so we got ready to go to that. It was a welcomed distraction. We started heading to the training and Elias asked if I was sure she said we couldn't see him. I told him what she said again and we continued on our way to the training. My only regret is that we didn't go see him one more time. When he was more active/alert than the previous time. We thought the training started earlier than it did so we were going to be really early, so we stopped at Jamba Juice before we went to the training. About an hour into the training is when my world stopped. Life as I knew it ceased to be. I saw I had a missed call, it was about 11. The surgery wasn't supposed to start until 12, so I wasn't too worried. I thought maybe they were just calling to tell us they were going to start and confirm that we wanted them to do the surgery. But that wasn't the case. The lady on the other in said "I'm sorry to call you like this. We started prepping Colt for surgery and his heart gave out. The dr. has been giving him CPR for 5 minutes and we need to know what you would like us to do." How I didn't scream, I don't know. How I stayed upright, it could only be God. I remember begging them to keep going, please don't stop. It's all I could say. Please, don't stop, please. I ran in grabbed my purse and Elias and took off. I don't even know how I explained it to Elias. We jumped in the car and tried to make our way down there, fast. The problem was, we were in north central Austin, Colt was in south Austin. The traffic was stopped on the highway so we had to try to figure out how to get to him by cutting across town. I called my mom sobbing and begged her to please join me in begging God to not take my Colty. Please, don't take my Colty. When I was on the phone with her the vet called. I answered and she said the words that kill me to this day, "I'm so sorry. I've done everything I can do. Colt did not make it." I begged her to please, please don't stop. I told her I would take over when I got there, just please don't stop. She said there was nothing left for her to do and asked if we wanted to come say goodbye. I told her that of course we did and then Elias and I made the sad, long, cold journey to say goodbye to the best friend we'd ever had.
There is no easy way to say goodbye. There is no easy way to walk into a place knowing that when you walk out that's it. When they took us to the room and brought him in it all hit me like a mac truck. I broke down. I grabbed my dog who was lifeless and I sobbed. I felt myself break at that moment. My heart broke and stopped being the heart that it once was. I took in as much of him as possible, knowing this was it. This was the last time I would ever see his precious eyes, his sweet nose. Those lips and those crooked little teeth. Those spots that not every Boston has. That brindle hair. Those precious paws that were half white, half black. So many marks and characteristics that made him Colt. So many unique parts that God created him with. But the best part of him was already gone. He was just a shell. He didn't flick his ear when I touched it. He didn't pull his paw back when I rubbed it. He did lick me when I kissed him or rubbed his nose. He was gone. I didn't want to leave. Elias handled all the details, there is no way I could have made any decisions. I remember sitting there while Elias grieved and I remember all these memories flooding my mind. I remember them coming to get Colt to take him and I remember one last goodbye. The hardest goodbye of my life. I almost grabbed him and just left. I don't know what I would have done, other than just have him. But that would be weird, I suppose.
Telling the kids was so hard. The boy immediately sobbed and jumped in my lap. We spent the better part of the weekend sobbing, actually. The girl cried when she first heard, but it wasn't until later that she really broke down. Colt was so healing for them. He loved them from the beginning and I know they loved him. He connected us. Some of our best memories had been with him. Taking him for walks or to play with his soccer ball.
This ended up being way longer than I expected. But honestly, I wanted to type it up and get it out there. I'll follow this blog up with some of our favorite memories of Colty and hopefully some pictures. But for now, you know what happened, in case you didn't already. I know it's terribly sad and I won't lie, I have been sobbing this whole time. I promise to update soon so this isn't the last blog you see about my Colty.
He was the best dog ever. Don't try to argue with me, because you won't win. Don't be offended either, your dogs are great. They just aren't my dog. I miss him more than words can say. I'm sure he is in heaven running around having a grand ole time, because all dogs go to heaven, right?!?
This will be hard for me to type up. I mean, honestly, I can't believe that I am even in a position to write this. I can't believe my precious Colty is gone. It sucks and I wouldn't do it, but he was an amazing companion and member of our family. Because I want to get it out of the way, I'll explain what happened first and then go from there.
On February 13th, I woke up and did our morning thing. Colty was actually sleeping at my head, which he rarely did voluntarily. He usually slept at my feet or next to me under the covers. I remember smiling when I woke up because I could feel him leaning against me and I could hear him snoring. I got up and got ready to take the boy to school. As soon as I grabbed my keys to go, here came Colty running to the door because he did not want to be left. He always rode with me to take the boy to school, unless it was too cold, then he would stay home:) We took the boy to school and Colty spent a little extra time giving him kisses. I even heard the boy say, while laughing, "ok Colty, I have to go to school now. I love you, too!". Since it was a nice morning I decided to open the window up so Colty could stick his head out as we went back home. I had already decided that I was going to make taking Colt for walks a regular thing, so I decided that since I was going to go walk I could justify getting donuts for Elias and I and a kolache for Colty. (I realize that you are judging me, go ahead, I don't regret spoiling my dog and you won't make me feel bad.) I went in and got our donuts, cake donut for me, glazed donuts for Elias and at the last minute I decided to splurge and get Colt a jumbo kolache. I remember leaving the donut store and getting into the car and smiling at the thought of how happy Colt was about to be. We got home and Elias was awake by this point. We ate our breakfast and Colt devoured his kolache. He then came and sat by me wondering if I possibly had anymore for him. We all got ready to go to Town Lake. Colt loved Town Lake. He loved the freedom of running ahead of us and playing with other dogs and occasionally getting in the water. Colt always knew that we were taking him for a walk when we would get his leash down. He was so excited to jump in the car and take the car ride up to Town Lake. We got to Town Lake and walked around the short loop once. Colt did his usual thing, run ahead of us, turn back to make sure we were coming, then go ahead of us some more. It was fun. After we finished the loop, we let Colt play with the dogs for a little while. He loved just running around and getting the big dogs to chase him. He loved running up to the people who were there with their dogs. There was another Boston Terrier there that morning and Colt had a good time playing with him for a little while.
We eventually left and decided to stop at Sandy's to get a burger and a shake. I ate about half of my burger and couldn't resist the puppy dog eyes and massive drool that was falling from his mouth. Around this time time after getting some exercise in and having a full stomach Colt and I decided to spend the rest of the afternoon doing our favorite thing, sleeping:) We slept until Elias went to exercise. Before Elias left, though, he looked at Colty and I lying on the couch and smiled and then grabbed the iPad to take a picture of Colty. I'm so glad he did, that was the last picture we got of our precious Colty. Colty and I woke up and went to get the boy from school. Again, Colt loved going with me to do this. We picked the boy up and again Colty got to ride with his head out of the window. We got home and laid down again. (I promise I'm not that lazy all the time.) Everything else from here on out is sort of a blur and honestly I'm ok with that. I woke up when my neighbor came over to chat. We chatted for about an hour or so with Colt being super excited that she came over to see him. I just remember him bringing her the ball over and over, like he always did, and her just pushing it off the couch, like she always did. She had just said that Colt was determined to make her like him and he was starting to be successful in that endeavor. I just smiled and said of course he is, he's Colt, who could possibly not like him?!? The next thing I remember I saw our other neighbor walking across our yard and come to our front door. I went to open the door to see what was going on and he had Colt by the collar. Colt had gotten out, I though he was just in the backyard. I was thanking him for bringing Colt back to us and he began telling us how he had just gotten a Boxer so he was glad to bring Colt back to us. Colt ran inside and went to the kitchen to get some of his water. Elias and I were speaking to our neighbor at the front door when it happened. Colt bolted out the front door across the street to where there were kids and other dogs, except he didn't make it across the street. It still hurts to think of this part and I have BEGGED God to take this memory from me. Like, literally, begged Him to erase this part from my mind. It is the worst feeling to see something about to happen and know you can't do anything about it. Especially when it happens to someone/something you love so much. I just remember Elias scooping Colt up and putting him in the car and I grabbed the keys and we left, our neighbor grabbed the kids and locked up our house. We took him to our normal vet who was about to close and they helped him by giving him some oxygen and then called the emergency vet to let them know we would be on the way. We drove Colt to the emergency vet that was halfway across town, at rush hour. I was praying, Elias was praying. I was driving like a mad woman and it was by the grace of God that we didn't wreck or get pulled over.
We got to the vet and they began treating him with oxygen immediately. In our haste to get Colt to the vet we left some important stuff at home that sort of slowed them down a little, but that was handled pretty fast. They were getting Colty ready to go do X-Ray's and let us see him before they did. I just remember hearing the heart monitor and seeing him laying there. My crazy, active pup was just laying there. I hugged him and cried. I apologized for letting this happened and begged him to fight and not leave me. Then Colt did something that warms my heart to this day, he picked his head up off the table, out of the oxygen mask and gave me a kiss. It was the sweetest thing I've ever experienced. My sweet pup was in so much pain and wanted to comfort me still. They did the X-Rays and told us that it wasn't as bad as it could have been and that he would need surgery to fix his hip that was broken and that he could have that done as soon as a couple of days. We went in to tell him goodbye for the night and it was the 2nd hardest thing I have ever done. I felt horrible leaving him there, but I knew he was in good hands. The vet told us to call at any point that night if we needed to.
We got home, told the kids he was gonna be ok and then they went to bed. Up until this point I had broken down other than when I saw him. I went into my room and looked at my bed, where my pup should be, would be if it was any other normal day and I broke down. Elias broke down. Our sweet pup was hurt and it was bad and we couldn't do anything for him. It was horrible. I woke up every 2 hours that night and called the vet each time I did. I begged God to please heal my Colty and please don't take him from me. I begged God to erase my mind of what happened. We woke up the next morning to a call from the vet saying that Colt had actually done better than they expected through the night and they would release him to be taken to a surgeon to begin his healing process. We got the kids off to school and then got ready and went to pick Colt up to take him to the surgeon. We got him to the surgeon earlier than expected and they had us wait while they took in other pets. Elias was upset, to say the least. I enjoyed a little one on one time with my Colty, even though he was hurt. I enjoyed hugging him and kissing him and telling him I love him without vets and other people there. They took Colt in and we went into a room to wait for the vet to come tell us the plan. The vet was really nice. She explained everything to us and reassured us that while anything was possible, he should be able to recover nicely...slowly, but nicely. I just remember breaking down at the thought of Colt being in anymore pain, but I was willing to do whatever I needed to do to make him better. We got to see Colt again before we had to leave. This vet was a little stricter about calls and visits so we went and spent some time with him knowing we wouldn't be able to see him until after surgery. They took us back into the room and there was my Colty, lying on a table, again. This time, he saw us when we walked in and picked his head up to follow us until we were right next to him. I cried some more and hugged him some more. I told him I loved him and apologized again. I kissed him and told him we would see him tomorrow. Elias did the same thing. We walked away and I turned back to look one more time. He was just laying there. This was the last time we saw Colt alive. I remember thinking that he was hurt and that he was too good of a dog to go through this. I remember praying and asking God to please just heal him.
February 15th was the worst day of my life. We woke up that morning and called the vet. She had said that if Colt did well through the night she would operate on him around noon that day. We wanted to see how he did. She said he did wonderful, he had started sitting up and was more alert. She said she was confident he was ready for surgery so she would be doing it that day. She said we could come see him afterwards and she would call me to tell me how he did. We had a training for foster care that morning so we got ready to go to that. It was a welcomed distraction. We started heading to the training and Elias asked if I was sure she said we couldn't see him. I told him what she said again and we continued on our way to the training. My only regret is that we didn't go see him one more time. When he was more active/alert than the previous time. We thought the training started earlier than it did so we were going to be really early, so we stopped at Jamba Juice before we went to the training. About an hour into the training is when my world stopped. Life as I knew it ceased to be. I saw I had a missed call, it was about 11. The surgery wasn't supposed to start until 12, so I wasn't too worried. I thought maybe they were just calling to tell us they were going to start and confirm that we wanted them to do the surgery. But that wasn't the case. The lady on the other in said "I'm sorry to call you like this. We started prepping Colt for surgery and his heart gave out. The dr. has been giving him CPR for 5 minutes and we need to know what you would like us to do." How I didn't scream, I don't know. How I stayed upright, it could only be God. I remember begging them to keep going, please don't stop. It's all I could say. Please, don't stop, please. I ran in grabbed my purse and Elias and took off. I don't even know how I explained it to Elias. We jumped in the car and tried to make our way down there, fast. The problem was, we were in north central Austin, Colt was in south Austin. The traffic was stopped on the highway so we had to try to figure out how to get to him by cutting across town. I called my mom sobbing and begged her to please join me in begging God to not take my Colty. Please, don't take my Colty. When I was on the phone with her the vet called. I answered and she said the words that kill me to this day, "I'm so sorry. I've done everything I can do. Colt did not make it." I begged her to please, please don't stop. I told her I would take over when I got there, just please don't stop. She said there was nothing left for her to do and asked if we wanted to come say goodbye. I told her that of course we did and then Elias and I made the sad, long, cold journey to say goodbye to the best friend we'd ever had.
There is no easy way to say goodbye. There is no easy way to walk into a place knowing that when you walk out that's it. When they took us to the room and brought him in it all hit me like a mac truck. I broke down. I grabbed my dog who was lifeless and I sobbed. I felt myself break at that moment. My heart broke and stopped being the heart that it once was. I took in as much of him as possible, knowing this was it. This was the last time I would ever see his precious eyes, his sweet nose. Those lips and those crooked little teeth. Those spots that not every Boston has. That brindle hair. Those precious paws that were half white, half black. So many marks and characteristics that made him Colt. So many unique parts that God created him with. But the best part of him was already gone. He was just a shell. He didn't flick his ear when I touched it. He didn't pull his paw back when I rubbed it. He did lick me when I kissed him or rubbed his nose. He was gone. I didn't want to leave. Elias handled all the details, there is no way I could have made any decisions. I remember sitting there while Elias grieved and I remember all these memories flooding my mind. I remember them coming to get Colt to take him and I remember one last goodbye. The hardest goodbye of my life. I almost grabbed him and just left. I don't know what I would have done, other than just have him. But that would be weird, I suppose.
Telling the kids was so hard. The boy immediately sobbed and jumped in my lap. We spent the better part of the weekend sobbing, actually. The girl cried when she first heard, but it wasn't until later that she really broke down. Colt was so healing for them. He loved them from the beginning and I know they loved him. He connected us. Some of our best memories had been with him. Taking him for walks or to play with his soccer ball.
This ended up being way longer than I expected. But honestly, I wanted to type it up and get it out there. I'll follow this blog up with some of our favorite memories of Colty and hopefully some pictures. But for now, you know what happened, in case you didn't already. I know it's terribly sad and I won't lie, I have been sobbing this whole time. I promise to update soon so this isn't the last blog you see about my Colty.
He was the best dog ever. Don't try to argue with me, because you won't win. Don't be offended either, your dogs are great. They just aren't my dog. I miss him more than words can say. I'm sure he is in heaven running around having a grand ole time, because all dogs go to heaven, right?!?
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Catching up
I'm sorry it's taken me 7 months to catch you up! So much has happened. Let me try to catch you up as quickly as possible. I will say, there are some events that happened that will need more explanation and they will get it, just not now.
October 2012- We celebrated the kids living with us for 1 year! Crazy, right?!? That means they have been with us for a year and half as of now.
November 2012-We celebrated Thanksgiving here in Austin for the first time. We celebrated with friends we made in the police academy. It was weird being away from all our family, but it was good.
December 2012-We celebrated Christmas here in Austin and in Freeport. Again, we celebrated with friends and then family at home.
January 2013- We got some crazy news. More on this later, for sure.
February 2013- We experienced the worst thing ever. Our sweet, precious Colt was hit by a car on February 13th. It was a rough couple of days with emergency vets and surgeons. The vets were optimistic that Colty would make it through with surgery, but on February 15th, our precious pup passed away. I'll definitely blog about this one because it has taught me so much about myself and love and well, because he was too great of a pet to not share about his awesome life.
March 2013-April 2013 were big blurs. 99% was due to the loss of Colty. But, we did get some exciting news, adoption wise. Again, I will be writing a separate blog about that.
And today is May 1st, CRAZY!!!! I seriously did not realize that today was the 1st of May until I noticed a lot of my friends commenting on FB about it. Time is flying by. I need it to slow down a little.
A brief update about the kids-
Our girl is doing well. She participated in track at her school this year. It was a little harder than she anticipated, but she enjoyed it none the less. She is your typical 14 year old girl. She loves arguing with her brother, rolling her eyes at her mother and father, boy bands and Disney channel, spending as little time with family and as much time with friends as possible, youth group at church and everything else 14 year olds like. She is excited about her future for the first time in a long time, which makes me happy.
Our boy is doing well, as well. He is definitely a 10 year old boy, in that he likes to act crazy to get everyones attention. If he feels that he does not have everyone's attention at a certain time he will do whatever is necessary to obtain it. As you can imagine, this doesn't go very well for him that often. He is really active and likes skateboarding. This of course makes me happy, seeing as I love my skater boy:) He too is excited about his future for the first time. This also makes me happy!
Speaking of that skater boy, he has been a police officer for a year now! A year!!! Crazy how time has flown by, huh?!? He still loves his job. With everything that has been going on in our family I have fallen even more in love with him. I am more thankful for God putting us together than ever. I seriously could not imagine doing life with anyone other than him.
I am doing ok. I won't lie and say that everything is fine. Let's be honest, there are really great things happening in my life right now and one really sucky crappy thing. Getting used to Colt not being around has been way harder than I ever thought it would be. It's different. It hurts more than anything I've ever experienced and I still pray that God will make it better soon.
Ok, so, I caught y'all up for now. I'll hopefully be posting more detailed blogs here within the next week. Feel free to hound me if I don't. I might need it;)
October 2012- We celebrated the kids living with us for 1 year! Crazy, right?!? That means they have been with us for a year and half as of now.
November 2012-We celebrated Thanksgiving here in Austin for the first time. We celebrated with friends we made in the police academy. It was weird being away from all our family, but it was good.
December 2012-We celebrated Christmas here in Austin and in Freeport. Again, we celebrated with friends and then family at home.
January 2013- We got some crazy news. More on this later, for sure.
February 2013- We experienced the worst thing ever. Our sweet, precious Colt was hit by a car on February 13th. It was a rough couple of days with emergency vets and surgeons. The vets were optimistic that Colty would make it through with surgery, but on February 15th, our precious pup passed away. I'll definitely blog about this one because it has taught me so much about myself and love and well, because he was too great of a pet to not share about his awesome life.
March 2013-April 2013 were big blurs. 99% was due to the loss of Colty. But, we did get some exciting news, adoption wise. Again, I will be writing a separate blog about that.
And today is May 1st, CRAZY!!!! I seriously did not realize that today was the 1st of May until I noticed a lot of my friends commenting on FB about it. Time is flying by. I need it to slow down a little.
A brief update about the kids-
Our girl is doing well. She participated in track at her school this year. It was a little harder than she anticipated, but she enjoyed it none the less. She is your typical 14 year old girl. She loves arguing with her brother, rolling her eyes at her mother and father, boy bands and Disney channel, spending as little time with family and as much time with friends as possible, youth group at church and everything else 14 year olds like. She is excited about her future for the first time in a long time, which makes me happy.
Our boy is doing well, as well. He is definitely a 10 year old boy, in that he likes to act crazy to get everyones attention. If he feels that he does not have everyone's attention at a certain time he will do whatever is necessary to obtain it. As you can imagine, this doesn't go very well for him that often. He is really active and likes skateboarding. This of course makes me happy, seeing as I love my skater boy:) He too is excited about his future for the first time. This also makes me happy!
Speaking of that skater boy, he has been a police officer for a year now! A year!!! Crazy how time has flown by, huh?!? He still loves his job. With everything that has been going on in our family I have fallen even more in love with him. I am more thankful for God putting us together than ever. I seriously could not imagine doing life with anyone other than him.
I am doing ok. I won't lie and say that everything is fine. Let's be honest, there are really great things happening in my life right now and one really sucky crappy thing. Getting used to Colt not being around has been way harder than I ever thought it would be. It's different. It hurts more than anything I've ever experienced and I still pray that God will make it better soon.
Ok, so, I caught y'all up for now. I'll hopefully be posting more detailed blogs here within the next week. Feel free to hound me if I don't. I might need it;)
Friday, September 21, 2012
Faith can move mountains
"And He said to them, because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you." Matthew 17:20
That is the verse that is running through my mind pretty much every time my mind wanders this past week. Because of HIPAA laws, I can't share specifics on this blog but I will do my best to share what I can.
When the kids came to us last October, we saw these 3 kids who were scared and timid. In particular, there was this girl standing at my door in jeans that had huge holes in them and she one arm was behind her back holding the other one at her side. I remember specifically noticing her posture and it sticking out more than anything. Over the course of the past (almost) year, our biggest struggle with her has definitely been confidence and self-esteem issues. I mean, come on, she is 13 years old in middle school. And if that's not rough enough, she is in foster care. And if that's not enough, she has this one thing that has been plaguing her her whole life. And that's not all of it. Like every 13 year old she is dealing with kids at school that could be mean. And it scared her. She was terrified of them knowing any of her deepest, darkest secrets. And it's not just the friends, it's everyone she encounters. She was not keen on people knowing some of the things in her life. And this one thing, we'll call it "The Thing" or TT for short, is something that she wants to deal with, it just won't be fun dealing with it.
This summer TT began the journey of no longer being a deep, dark secret, but instead being something that came to the light. It wasn't her choice, really. If she had had her way, she would have dealt with the thing in seclusion. But Isaiah 55:9 tells us that His ways are not our ways and thank God for that. It wasn't easy and it wasn't immediate, but it was perfect, as His ways always are. I mean seriously, I couldn't have orchestrated it any better than God did. There were definitely kinks, but again, His ways are perfect, so who am I to say they were kinks.
It all started one day this summer. She did not have to face her fear yet. And when I say fear, I mean fear. TT was definitely something she felt ashamed of, something she was embarrassed about. Again, I can't share specifics, but let me tell you, I'm pretty sure I cried that day when I saw her facing that fear. Then TT was definitely going to be dealt with by some people who knew what they were doing. And that's when the shell started coming off. The darkness started to lift and she began to see the light. Then the kinks came. And it seemed like the darkness might try to rear it's ugly head again. But God is greater than that, He is able to do more than we could ever imagine.
Fast forward about 6 weeks, TT decided it wanted to put up a fight. So, fight we did. A lot of us. We prayed for her and encouraged her as she was about to face her biggest fear. She was going to have to go to school and let her classmates in on her little secret. There would be no hiding it anymore. TT would be exposed for all to see. She already had to let kids at church in on TT and she found it was not nearly as horrible as she had imagined. But school, that's different. She has to see them everyday. One bad day can ruin a year. One deep, dark secret exposed can make every day seem dark and dreary. But we serve a God who allows suffering for our good and His. We serve a God who knows what He is doing. We serve a God who went before her and leveled mountains before she even went to school that Monday. We serve a God who goes with us and commands that we not be afraid.
She went to school on Monday with at least a dozen people praying for her. And when I say praying, I mean, on our knees, begging God to be with her and go before her and to be her strength as TT came to light. And He did far more than that. He crushed that mountain because she had faith He could and she had people who loved her praying that that mountain would be destroyed. She went to school that Monday and was immediately encountered by a staff member who noticed TT and encouraged her that it would be ok because he too had had a "Thing" when he was her age. She said after speaking to him about TT, she knew it would be alright. Then she encountered friends and classmates that noticed TT and wanted to know more. Something she has dreaded her whole life. Can you imagine spending your whole life avoiding something because you only felt shame. Then in one day, not only is that something out for all to notice, but it's also the center of attention and very interesting to everyone. And let me tell you, when I picked her up from school that day she was smiling. SMILING!!! I mean, teeth showing, laughter coming out a little when I said something absolutely ridiculous to break the ice before I bombarded her with questions about the day, smiling.
When the kids asked her questions about the TT, she told them and proudly proclaimed "It's how God made it. He knows what He's doing." And with that, the mountain was moved. And these foster parents were celebrating because they serve a BIG God. Huge. He is good. He is faithful. He is true to His Word. He is God. Don't ever forget that.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Pray for grace
Foster care can really suck sometimes. There I said it. I feel bad for thinking that. Even worse for writing it. Especially since I'm such an advocate for it. Is it something that I would recommend to friends, maybe. Ugh, I feel even worse for typing that! See, I feel like I fail. And really, sometimes I do. Some days I wake up and try to will myself to just get over myself and remember that God called me to this life and it could be a lot worse. On some really bad days, I end the day by telling Elias that I think we should give up, quit while we're ahead, and "just have a baby."Ha! Those of you who really know me, know how absurd that last line was.
You see, my kids came to me with baggage, scars, wounds, whatever it is you want to call it. That night they showed up, they literally had bags and bags of baggage, both physical and emotional. And we knew that when we got into it. We knew that we would have things that they would have to work through and that we'd have to work through with them. And we have worked through a lot. For the most part, things have been smooth sailing with these kids. They really are great kids. But they have been through so much in their short lives. And on days where that baggage begins to be unpacked, foster care sucks. And the baggage isn't always bad. Sometimes they will share good memories that they have from their previous life, but it still sucks.
And I find that I suck. I find that I am not nearly as willing to extend grace to them as I should be. I don't always rejoice with them like I should. I get frustrated too easily. I get pulled out of my comfort zone too much and take it out on them. These kids, like every kid, need attention and affection. I can give limited attention and touch before I'm out of my comfort zone. And then, I get ugly. I get frustrated and it comes out in my tone or my body language. And they can feel it. It's not usually until I feel them back away that I feel bad. Elias sees it before I do usually and he is amazing at stepping in and redirecting their affections. And that's what they are, affections. And I reject them. Not all the time, but lately I'm finding it's happening more and more. It's beginning to get on my own nerves. It's so bad that every night we pray before dinner and every night Elias prays that we would be reminded of His grace and that we would remember to show grace.
But it's ok that foster care sucks sometimes. It should suck. It shouldn't even be needed. It's system that's broken and it is there to 'fix' broken kids. But we all know they don't need to be fixed by foster care, they need Jesus to make them whole again. Every now and then, on days where you want to throw in the towel, He'll remind you that He has it and nothing is impossible through Him. That even when I daydream of my pre-foster care life I can rejoice that my steps are ordered by Christ alone. I don't have to worry about falling completely, because He will never let me fall.
Y'all, foster care is hard. Maybe harder than I thought. But I promise, there are so many moments where I am reminded of how worth it it really is. I'll share more of those later.
You see, my kids came to me with baggage, scars, wounds, whatever it is you want to call it. That night they showed up, they literally had bags and bags of baggage, both physical and emotional. And we knew that when we got into it. We knew that we would have things that they would have to work through and that we'd have to work through with them. And we have worked through a lot. For the most part, things have been smooth sailing with these kids. They really are great kids. But they have been through so much in their short lives. And on days where that baggage begins to be unpacked, foster care sucks. And the baggage isn't always bad. Sometimes they will share good memories that they have from their previous life, but it still sucks.
And I find that I suck. I find that I am not nearly as willing to extend grace to them as I should be. I don't always rejoice with them like I should. I get frustrated too easily. I get pulled out of my comfort zone too much and take it out on them. These kids, like every kid, need attention and affection. I can give limited attention and touch before I'm out of my comfort zone. And then, I get ugly. I get frustrated and it comes out in my tone or my body language. And they can feel it. It's not usually until I feel them back away that I feel bad. Elias sees it before I do usually and he is amazing at stepping in and redirecting their affections. And that's what they are, affections. And I reject them. Not all the time, but lately I'm finding it's happening more and more. It's beginning to get on my own nerves. It's so bad that every night we pray before dinner and every night Elias prays that we would be reminded of His grace and that we would remember to show grace.
But it's ok that foster care sucks sometimes. It should suck. It shouldn't even be needed. It's system that's broken and it is there to 'fix' broken kids. But we all know they don't need to be fixed by foster care, they need Jesus to make them whole again. Every now and then, on days where you want to throw in the towel, He'll remind you that He has it and nothing is impossible through Him. That even when I daydream of my pre-foster care life I can rejoice that my steps are ordered by Christ alone. I don't have to worry about falling completely, because He will never let me fall.
Y'all, foster care is hard. Maybe harder than I thought. But I promise, there are so many moments where I am reminded of how worth it it really is. I'll share more of those later.
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