Tell me more, tell me more.

OK, sorry that it took me so long to post again. I really am trying to get better at it.

A lot has changed since my last post. First, let me start off by saying today (2/23/12) marks the 1 month countdown to the end of the police academy!!! Woo-hoo! I know if I'm this excited Elias and the rest of the cadets absolutely must be too. As he was leaving to work this evening I called after him "Hey, 1 month left!" He turned around with the biggest grin on his face and said "I know!". Yea for this chapter in our lives almost being complete. He still has a lot to do in this last month, but 7 months ago I don't think there were any smiles when it came time to counting down.

In foster care news, the oldest kid we had has moved on to another placement. He seems to be doing well there and thriving. It was a hard decision to make, but so far (he's been gone a month) it seems to be a good one. The 2 younger kiddos are still with us. They are something else. Here is some information to help catch you up.

Our sweet girl:

• Turned 13 a couple of weeks ago. Yikes! Let me tell you, I'm thankful that is over.
• Has a pretty mild temperament. She's pretty good about getting over things fast and moving on. Although, she that period of time as she is getting over it is a pretty rough time, for me at least.
• She is doing well at school. She passes all her classes with A's & B's. Which is pretty good considering how much she has moved around in her life.
• She misses her dad and family and friends. She talks about him the most. But she seems to be coming to terms with her situation.
• She has, quite possibly, the sweetest heart. She wants to a veterinarian when she grows up, which means she'll have to go to a&m. She asks me if I'll hate her and says she promises to wear Burnt Orange and never put her 'horns down. I tell her it's ok to like her school, I love mine\m/ She is finally old enough to volunteer at the animal shelters here and we are working on getting that to happen here soon. One day on of those SPCA commercials came on and she looked over at me with the most sincere look and said "when I grow up, those are the kind of animals I'm going to help. The ones nobody wants." *love*
• She often says things that break my heart, both loving things and mean things. But that's another post.
• She is starting to learn truths about God and often asks me and Elias questions about Him. She seems to want to understand and we are praying that God would reveal Himself to her.
• I love that girl. Absolutely love her. Wouldn't trade any of her silly girlness for anything.

Out little boy:

• This kid is crazy! He is 9 and has the energy of just about any 9 year old, sometimes more. He also is a little cutie and he knows it. Which is not a good thing. 
• He struggles more in school because he has had the most inconsistent life. Their troubles started when he was just a little baby so he has never really had consistent education. But he is improving. It's slow and painful, but it's good to see the strides he has made so far.
• He misses his dad and often requests to see him for holiday's. He also recalls most of his brother and sisters memories as his own.
• He loves Elias. He loves that he is a "cop" and thinks he's the funniest person ever. It's so fun to see him with him. 
• He loves approval. He seeks it all the time. I swear he's like a little chameleon. He loves affirmation and it breaks his little heart when he doesn't get it.
• He tests my patience the most. I swear that I suck the most with him. He doesn't even know when he's pushing my buttons or even how to do it, but he does do it. 
• I love this boy. He's so precious. I wouldn't trade him for anything.

So, there is a little bit about the kids and what's going on. Next up will be some of the lessons we are learning.

Wrapping up...

Sorry that it has been so long since I last posted. So much has happened and is yet to happen that I really hesitate writing this post. But, I don't want to not write just because it seems like a lot of information. Christmas and New Year's were a lot of fun. We continued in our same traditions and had so much fun sharing them with these 3 new kids. Thanksgiving was good too. It was fun to share the love that we receive so naturally from our friends and family. Since this is a pretty random post with lots of information I'll just get right to it.
Thanksgiving- We continued the tradition of going to Freeport to spend time with both of our families. Elias and I are so blessed that our families are from the same town and we literally have a 4 minute drive from one house to the next when we go home. I think the kids were a little overwhelmed by exactly how much family we had. I told them not to panic too much at Christmas when we were with my mom's side of the family. The kids had never really had a Thanksgiving meal before so they were definitely shocked by how much food there really was.
Christmas- Again, we went home and continued in the traditions that we have done pretty much our whole lives. Christmas Eve we went to my mom's sisters house and had our traditional tamales, beefy mac and other things. I can't imagine not being with everyone on Christmas Eve. It was sadder this year, as we lost my cousin earlier in the month. It was weird not having him there making fun of the girls plates as we stack them higher and higher with food. Or telling us how beautiful we are. Or cracking jokes on just about everyone. He was one of us, one of the cousins. Most of my memories of my family include him. It was weird having just his face in a frame on the wall. To not hear his goober laugh or to hear someone say "Ay, Christopher!" But we had a good time again this year. We'll just definitely miss him. My mom's family then headed home and did our traditional opening gifts at midnight. As we are all getting older we are wondering why on earth we opened presents at midnight, but we do and it's always fun. Christmas day my dad's sisters came over and so did Elias' sister and girls. We had fun watching movies and eating tamales, menudo and posole. That night we went to Elias' brothers house for a little while. All in all, Christmas was fun.
New Years Eve-We continued the tradition of having people over for game night. This time we had some friends we've made through the police academy. It was a lot of fun. I definitely think the highlight was seeing cadets dancing to "Jump On It". There was lots of yummy food and lots of fun was had.

That is the holiday wrap up. Next up...kids.

Never stop learning...

That's the advice my Uncle Johnny gave me when I graduate from UT. At the time I was pissed that that was the sentiment he chose to write on his card to me. Did he not pay attention to the fact that I just graduated college? I had been in school for 17 years straight! Umm, no thanks Uncle Johnny. I'm good on the learning. Can you say, 'Brat'?!?
Wow, I can't believe it has been over a month since my last post. I'm sorry. I really do have so much to say, because let me tell you, my life is anything but boring. My uncle was right! I never did stop learning. I've learned a lot since December of 2003, when I thought I was done learning. I've learned that my family and friends mean the world to me. That, while I was blessed to have many great men in my life, there was 1 man out there that would make me feel feelings I never knew I could have for someone. That, even though I typically do not want to follow everyone's plan for my life, I will try to do it because it's definitely a lot easier when there is a plan already mapped out. And the list could go on and on and on and on. But I've learned so much since doing foster care and having these 3 kiddos placed with us. For obvious reasons I can't post specifics of what has caused me to learn these things, but I will post what I've learned.
First and foremost, I'm not their savior. There I said it. I'm not their savior. I cannot and will not change them. No matter how many rules I set up or how much I correct their behavior, I am not their savior. This is a truth that has been spoken into my life since they were first placed with us, even before that. One good friend looked me in the eye and smiled her sweet smile and said "Hope, you are not what they need." That's the kind of truth I need to hear. Because she was absolutely right. I am not what they need. They need a savior. They need the One and Only True Savior, Jesus. And y'all, heart out, I've failed them in that way. I've made them think, too much probably, that I am what they need. That Elias and I are going to give them everything that they need because we can do it because we have Jesus. I've prayed for God to fill them and to change them, but with so many ulterior motives, it's no longer even funny. I want God to change them and for them to love the Lord, not because that is what He desires of them, but so that way they will maybe be a little more tolerable at times. (It's important to note that this is not true of all of them, just one of them. They all have their moments though.) The problem with this is that I cannot be their savior. Period. I will fail them, I have failed them. And me pretending like this is all on me is the worst thing I can do. For them and for me. Especially for me. It's tiring. I obviously can only do so much without Christ and can only do all things through Him (Philippians 4:13), just ask them how many times,in the 2 months they have been here, that I've failed them. On second thought, don't.
I've learned that I'm totally capable of getting a schedule together, even though everything in me hates having to do it. I have to do it though because these kids find some peace in knowing what is for dinner tomorrow and breakfast and lunch and what we will be doing as a family, if anything. I've found that if I tell them about a doctors appt. or what time we're going to church or what-not, they will not freak out as much, even if they don't want to do it.
I've learned that,when you like someone, it's a lot easier to be humble and have humility with them. Not saying that it's ok to not do it when you don't like them, it's just a lot harder. Again, I've learned this the hard way.
I've learned that I miss my friends. I really truly miss hanging out with friends on a Friday evening just eating dinner or going to a movie or bowling or something like that. When we had Anna she was old enough that we could do those types of things with her. These 3 are so spread apart in age that it's just so tough sometimes.
Last, but not least, I've learned why my parents did everything they did when they did it and how they did it. I am so unbelievably thankful for the example Elias and I have in our parents. I'm also thankful for the advice we get from friends and family and the truth we receive when we are having a hard time.

Those are just some of the things I've learned. I'll try to be better about blogging. I promise.

3 weeks in.

I can't believe it's been 3 weeks. It seems like forever! I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm serious when I say that it feels like forever. That's both a good and a bad thing. The good is that I feel like I've known these kids for much longer than 3 weeks and the love that I have for them is definitely not typical of the love I have for people I've only known for 3 weeks. The bad is that it feels like forever ago that I had a routine, albeit a lazy routine, but it was a routine none-the-less. And bad that it feels like forever since I last got enough sleep and had a feeling of anything other than exhaustion, both physically and mentally.

I have definitely learned so much about myself, my marriage, my opinions and my God since they've been here.

About myself, I've learned that I am capable of loving someone but not liking them on a daily basis and yet still wanting to help them and not give up on them. I've learned that I cannot wait for 2:45 because that is when I pick up my youngest little dude and get to hear about his day and see his smily and hear his laughter. Oh, his excitement. If only I could bottle it up and share it with you all, I promise you'd melt.
I've learned that I do want peoples advice and help because for the most part I have no idea what I'm doing or how to handle a situation that pops up. I know most people do not want unsolicited advice, but I say bring it on. If I don't like it I don't have to follow it. But maybe, just maybe, I can grab pieces of advice and piece it together to make something wonderful that will work. I've learned that our next foster care placement will more than likely not be such a wide range in age. It's pretty difficult to manage a 15 year old and a 9 year old and a 12 year old at the same time. I think our next placements will either be all teens or all younger than teens. I've learned not to put parameters around who you think you will like the most and get along with the best. It just doesn't work. I promise. Honestly, I thought that I wouldn't like the 9 year old age that much but I absolutely love it! Adore it. Wish I could bottle it up. I've also learned that, if I didn't think my parents knew what they were talking about already, I definitely know now and I am so thankful for their wisdom and guidance and love. I promise you that on a daily basis I call my mom and dad and apologize for acting like I did, ever, and ask for advice one how they handled it when I did act like I did. I asked my mom one day how she did it with us 3 kids and she simply responded, without hesitation, 'God'! God Bless my mom and dad for never taking us into their own hands and trying to make us work, but instead trusting that God would handle it all for us if they would just put us in His hands. That's good stuff right there.

About my marriage, I've learned that I absolutely love my man. I mean, head over heels, over the moon, ain't no other man like my man, love my Elias. I am so absolutely blessed that he would allow me to not work these past few months and support me in the decision to be a stay at home mom because these kids need this. I am so blessed that he works so hard and studies so much and still finds time to play with the kids and talk to them when he gets home and discipline them when he needs to. I've learned what it is like to truly serve him and make sure that he doesn't get lost in the shuffle of adding 3 kids to the mix. I've learned that I do not want anything, at all, ever to come between us. And I mean that. While I love these kids and they demand a lot from me, my husband means more to me than anything else on this world and I cannot let him and his feelings and his emotions fall to the wayside. Not gonna happen and I will fight to the death to make sure he knows he is loved and to serve him and honor him as the head of this family that God has called us to. "'Til death do us part."

About my opinions, I've learned that sometimes you just have to keep them to yourself until the right time. I've learned that sometimes opinions do change, even on those things that you swore they wouldn't, because it might not be the best opinion to have in this or that case. I've learned that the only opinion I have that has not and will not change is that God is in control and He holds my world in His hands. He is the same yesterday, today and forever and I will forever believe in that. I think the reason that hasn't changed is because it's not so much an opinion, but a fact that I know is true.

On that note. About my God, I've seen that He is the most faithful person in my life. Period. Each time something happens with any of the kids and I'm tempted to give up, He scoops me up and holds me close and I'm filled with His peace that passes all understanding. He never gives up on me and will always be there. He always has and always will. I've learned that God is gracious to us even when we didn't deserve it and therefore I should be an imitator of Him and be gracious to these kids, even when I don't think they deserve it. Because that's what love is and that's how He loves us. I've learned that He is all they need. They don't need me to micro-manage their lives or to discipline them until I'm blue in the face. They don't even need the family and friends that they so desperately miss. All they need is Him and my one and only job on this earth, along with Elias, is to point them to Him.

Wow, that's a lot that I've learned and it's only been 3 weeks! I linked up to a video of the song 'Never Once' by Matt Redman. If you've never heard it listen to it and let the words of that song sink in. "You are faithful God!"

Some verses that have gotten me through the past 3 weeks:

• Philippians 4:6-7 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
• 1 John 4: 7-8  "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God."
• John 16:33 "...In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."

From 0 to 3

Or from 2 to 5, depends on how you look at it.
We are officially foster parents to 3 kids. Yup, you read that right, 3 kids! They came here Tuesday night and then we've just sorta been on fast forward since then. It's been good so far. I'm super tired though. I think last night was the best sleep I have ever had. I feel like yesterday was a big blur.

They really are neat kids. Easy to talk to, very respectful, and cute as can be. I really wish y'all could see them for yourselves. My dog is worn out. I'm worn out. Elias is worn out. I'm sure they are worn out. Yesterday I was so tired that I remember thinking, 'tomorrow they will all 3 be in school and then I can rest.' It's tomorrow and while they definitely are in school and physically I'm resting, mentally and emotionally I'm not. It's strange how as soon as someone is in your care all you want is to make them feel safe. I remember feeling this way about Anna. And now I have 3 kids that I want to make sure are ok. I want to make sure that at school they are being treated right by students and staff. I want to make sure that they get enough to eat at lunch. I want to make sure that they are learning. I want to make sure they feel safe. I gave them each a little note card with our names and numbers and our address, just in case they need to fill it out or even to use it. But I really wish I could just be there with them to make sure that they know that no matter what it's going to be ok.

These kids are precious, not just to us, but to their family and friends they've had to leave behind and more importantly to our God. With that knowledge I can rest and trust that they are ok because I can't be there with them, but they are not alone. They have a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

So, let the adventure begin!

i feel?!?!?!?!?!

So today, yes, today, at about 5:30 pm we are expecting to have our very first placement. I am so....ahh, I have so many emotions that last for small bursts of moments at a time. I don't even know where to begin. Here are just some of the emotions I've felt since getting 'the' call yesterday:

1. happy
2. scared
3. nervous
4. unprepared
5. excited
6. nervous
7. hopeful
8. nervous
9. calm

Notice a trend? I am pretty nervous right about now. And I know this is probably normal, but still. I don't think I thought I'd be this nervous. 

I'm currently doing what I think is "nesting". Since I've never had a baby I'm not sure, but just from conversations with friends about their nesting stage of pregnancy, I think this is the equivalent in foster care. I will say, that I did do pretty much the same thing when we knew Anna was going to come stay with us. So, maybe it should just be called preparing and it should not be exclusive to pregnancy. My SIL said yesterday that it's like I just went in for my checkup to the doctor yesterday and they told me they are going to induce:) haha!

Anywho-of course there is the possibility that this could fall through, as a couple other placements have. But, they never got this far. So, pray for me. Pray that, above all, I would just love like I've been loved. And pray for the kids. Unfortunately I can't show you pictures of them or say their names or anything like that, but God knows them by name. Since before they were in their mother's womb. So just pray.

I miss her...

Photo by Walker Pickering

I know I've shown y'all a picture of her before and even talked a little bit about her, but today I'm just going to share some of the wonderful memories I have with this sweet girl and some of the things I miss. And Anna, if you are reading this, please don't be embarrassed;)

When Anna first got here I had absolutely no idea what to expect. I mean no idea. All I knew is that the moment I saw super blonde hair, jacket, and scarf (it was the end of August and we were in the middle of our heat wave) coming down the stairs at the airport, she was going to be in for the shock of her life and Elias and I were going to have to walk her through it. And we didn't even have to leave the airport for her to see that. As soon as we got outside I turned to look at her and her eyes were wide and she said "woo, it's hot!" I turned around and smiled to myself. I knew this was going to be a fun 5 months.

There were so many things that were lost in translation. So many things. Over the course of her stay here I realized that she probably spoke better English than most of the people I know, myself included. I also realized that we, Americans/Texans, have a lot of phrases that we use that she probably never caught on to and probably never will. I learned that there is a big difference in the way we say Michael in the US and they say Michael in Germany. Big difference;) I learned that paprika is not just a spice you put on food for seasoning, it's an actual bell pepper in Germany. Too bad it took 5 months to figure that one out. Poor girl. So, in honor of her recent 18th birthday (I know I'm a week too late) I'm going to list the 18 things I miss the most about Anna. *These are in no particular order.*

1. The way she always ate her spaghetti with a spoon and a fork. You know, how they teach in etiquette class.

2. The way that she would wear Burnt Orange because she knew I liked it, even though she really didn't like it much. 

3. The way she would always go to the store with me, even if it was a quick trip.

4. The way she would always tell me good morning and good bye in the morning as she was on her way to school.

5. The way she would ask us what something meant and why we would say stuff the way we did if it just didn't make sense.

6. The fact that she would go with us to church and we never had to 'drag' her there.

7. The way she loved Colty and told all her friends about him.

8. The way she called Elias "Elia" or "Papa E", depending on her mood.

9. The way that, while she was definitely more girly than me, she wasn't too girly when it came time to clothes. Thus, making it easy for me to shop with her.

10. The way she genuinely loved her Vans. And was very deliberate in picking them out because she wanted to wear them back in Germany.

11. The fact that she went with me to the UT football games and attempted to learn about football, even though she hated it.

12. The way she loved our friends and family.

13. The talks we would have after Elias had gone to bed, about just stuff.

14. The cute way she would whine when it came to school. Whining is just so much cuter in German.

15. The way that she picked up on "y'all" so fast and still uses it in her everyday language.

16. The way that, just a month into her 5 month stay with us, she said at dinner "oh, I'm gonna miss queso!"

17. The fact that she took a Texas flag home with her, because she was in Texas, not the US;)

18. The fact that even though we were pretty lame, she still humored us and told us we were the best host parents ever and will still talk to us, 9 months after she has left.

It's really hard thinking of just 18 things that you love and trying to generalize them. For every one of those things I love, there are a hundred memories wrapped up inside of them that make me love it even more. I would love to tell y'all the difference between Michael in German and Michael in English, but I promise you that reading it will not do it justice. Next time you see me or talk to me, just ask me and I'll be glad to verbally tell you the story. It's one you'll definitely want to hear.

I miss her. I wish she was back here with us. I wish that Germany and Austin were right next to each other. I wish that our future kids would get the chance to live with such a cool, sweet girl. She is the best German kid I could have ever asked for. She taught me so much about life and love. A different kind of love. She taught me that I can love someone else's child and send them back home when the time comes. And though I'm not in their life everyday, there will always be the memories.

And now I'll leave you with some pictures of just a few of these memories.

Her first weekend here, at the Co-op. She had no idea what she was doing this for, but she did it, bc I did:)

From the beginning they had their bond!

Again, the first weekend...she had no idea why we liked that cow so much.

By this point she understood a little more of what to do.

She rode a good old fashioned carnival ride at the Wurstfest.

She hung out with these old folks...

She was getting the hang of it. Still didn't like it too much, but she did it.

Dancing on the Wii.

One of her last nights here.