Pray for grace

Foster care can really suck sometimes. There I said it. I feel bad for thinking that. Even worse for writing it. Especially since I'm such an advocate for it. Is it something that I would recommend to friends, maybe. Ugh, I feel even worse for typing that! See, I feel like I fail. And really, sometimes I do. Some days I wake up and try to will myself to just get over myself and remember that God called me to this life and it could be a lot worse. On some really bad days, I end the day by telling Elias that I think we should give up, quit while we're ahead, and "just have a baby."Ha! Those of you who really know me, know how absurd that last line was.

You see, my kids came to me with baggage, scars, wounds, whatever it is you want to call it. That night they showed up, they literally had bags and bags of baggage, both physical and emotional. And we knew that when we got into it. We knew that we would have things that they would have to work through and that we'd have to work through with them. And we have worked through a lot. For the most part, things have been smooth sailing with these kids. They really are great kids. But they have been through so much in their short lives. And on days where that baggage begins to be unpacked, foster care sucks. And the baggage isn't always bad. Sometimes they will share good memories that they have from their previous life, but it still sucks.

And I find that I suck. I find that I am not nearly as willing to extend grace to them as I should be. I don't always rejoice with them like I should. I get frustrated too easily. I get pulled out of my comfort zone too much and take it out on them. These kids, like every kid, need attention and affection. I can give limited attention and touch before I'm out of my comfort zone. And then, I get ugly. I get frustrated and it comes out in my tone or my body language. And they can feel it. It's not usually until I feel them back away that I feel bad. Elias sees it before I do usually and he is amazing at stepping in and redirecting their affections. And that's what they are, affections. And I reject them. Not all the time, but lately I'm finding it's happening more and more. It's beginning to get on my own nerves. It's so bad that every night we pray before dinner and every night Elias prays that we would be reminded of His grace and that we would remember to show grace.

But it's ok that foster care sucks sometimes. It should suck. It shouldn't even be needed. It's system that's broken and it is there to 'fix' broken kids. But we all know they don't need to be fixed by foster care, they need Jesus to make them whole again. Every now and then, on days where you want to throw in the towel, He'll remind you that He has it and nothing is impossible through Him. That even when I daydream of my pre-foster care life I can rejoice that my steps are ordered by Christ alone. I don't have to worry about falling completely, because He will never let me fall.

Y'all, foster care is hard. Maybe harder than I thought. But I promise, there are so many moments where I am reminded of how worth it it really is. I'll share more of those later.

This is not where I belong.

"All I know is I'm not home yet 

This is not where I belong 

Take this world and give me Jesus 

This is not where I belong"-Building 429

I think that the words to this song resonate with me because this is how I've felt for so long. *Before I go further, this is not a cry for help. I don't want to commit suicide or die.* The more that I read the Word of God and dig in and the more I learn about Jesus, the more I know that this is not where I belong. I have a longing for something more than what I find here. And days like this past Good Friday (4/6/12), I realize that my heart was most definitely not made for this world. 

An APD officer was shot and killed that night. "Routine" call. Shot and killed. In the blink of an eye, 2 little girls lost their dad. Parents lost their son. Officers lost a comrade. Like that. I saw it on the news and my heart broke. My mind immediately went to the fact that my husband was not yet home. He should have been home 2 hours ago. And then I remembered the words of Jesus, "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful." (John 14:27). I can have peace when things like that happen because God is with me.  I would be lying if I said I didn't hug Elias a little tighter or hold him a little longer when he got home, because I did. And my heart did break that day when I thought of the sadness that this family would be feeling. It stirred a longing that is in me and has been in me since I can remember.  


I was not made for this world. This world cannot satisfy me. It can give me a fix, but it can't be what I need. And this goes beyond worrying about Elias when he goes to work. I need this reminder when the kids make comments or have reactions to things that give me a glimpse into the hardships they've had to endure. And, to be completely real with you, I need God's peace when the kids or Elias or just anyone fails at satisfying me. Like when they talk back or complain about EVERY SINGLE THING and come off as completely ungrateful brats. Or when I feel like I have to explain for the millionth time why we are doing what we do. There are plenty of other verses that God gently whispers to remind me, but this one in particular seems to resonate in my heart quite a bit lately.


And then I am reminded that He is preparing me a place with Him. Thus this feeling of knowing that this world is not where I belong. I was created for somewhere different. And days like Good Friday remind me that my heart aches, not because the tragedies that happen in this world, but because He died so I might have life. And not just a life here on this earth, everlasting life. 

Thankful Thursday

Today, I am thankful for the Academy being over. While I made some really great friends, I am glad that we can now just be police wives/girlfriends and move on with life together. We're in it together. I really wish I had gotten more pictures with some of my new friends, but Friday was such a crazy blur with all the family and friends that came out to support all of the cadets. So, here are a few pictures from his graduation for your viewing pleasure.

My friend Laura and I before the ceremony. She was the first friend I made in the Academy and I absolutely adore her.

Me and my officer after the ceremony.

Elias and his family that came to support him.

Elias with my family that came out to support him.

Stacy and Ella made it out to support Elias.

2 years and 10 months

That's how long it took to get here. I can promise you that for most of that time we wondered and questioned if we were doing what God wanted us to do. We cried, yelled out in frustration, questioned God, begged God, begged our friends to pray, just about everything you can think of to do if you want God to answer your prayer. The biggest news in our family since the last time I blogged is that Elias graduated from the APD Police Academy on Friday! It was an amazing ceremony and I can only describe the feeling I had when I pinned his badge on him as amazing. Leading up to the actual pinning I kept telling some of the other wives that I just felt like I was going to puke, I was so nervous walking up in front of everyone. But the moment he got in line and held his hand out to me it went away and all I had left inside me was pride. I am so proud of my husband. He did 8 months of testing, academically and physically. It was hard for him from the beginning because testing academically just isn't his thing. And if that was not enough, he stayed faithful to God's call on our lives to be foster parents. Two months into the Academy we accepted a sibling set of 3 kiddos into our family and though we only have 2 of them with us currently, it definitely added to the stress he already had. But he did an amazing job, at the Academy and at home.

Now, we settle into life. When he was still in the Academy, we had a little countdown to graduation. On the last day of the countdown it was weird knowing that we wouldn't be counting down to something ending anymore, but instead just be moving forward. It's been interesting to say the least. He worked his first shift last night and he had a good time, came home and slept for most of the day and then went back out again today. While he doesn't have to study as rigorously as he did before, he still pulls out policy and procedure manuals to make sure he knows them 'just in case'.

In the time it took Elias to officially be a police officer I can honestly say that my walk with God has gotten stronger. When we first started this journey I would have told you that I trust God and that I seek Him with my life. Shortly after we started this journey I doubted God's goodness and I didn't trust Him. I didn't trust that His promises to never leave or forsake us (Joshua 1:5) or that we would be blessed      (Deuteronomy 28:2) were actually for us. I seriously doubted because things weren't going our way. Or at least, going the way I thought they should go. But God, being faithful and omniscient, knew that I would not get to the point I am at today without enduring some trials that would push me to Him (James 1:2-4). Thank You God that You are God and I am not.

Anyway, I think I'm going to buy into the blogging thing and start doing Thankful Thursday's.

Tell me more, tell me more.

OK, sorry that it took me so long to post again. I really am trying to get better at it.

A lot has changed since my last post. First, let me start off by saying today (2/23/12) marks the 1 month countdown to the end of the police academy!!! Woo-hoo! I know if I'm this excited Elias and the rest of the cadets absolutely must be too. As he was leaving to work this evening I called after him "Hey, 1 month left!" He turned around with the biggest grin on his face and said "I know!". Yea for this chapter in our lives almost being complete. He still has a lot to do in this last month, but 7 months ago I don't think there were any smiles when it came time to counting down.

In foster care news, the oldest kid we had has moved on to another placement. He seems to be doing well there and thriving. It was a hard decision to make, but so far (he's been gone a month) it seems to be a good one. The 2 younger kiddos are still with us. They are something else. Here is some information to help catch you up.

Our sweet girl:

• Turned 13 a couple of weeks ago. Yikes! Let me tell you, I'm thankful that is over.
• Has a pretty mild temperament. She's pretty good about getting over things fast and moving on. Although, she that period of time as she is getting over it is a pretty rough time, for me at least.
• She is doing well at school. She passes all her classes with A's & B's. Which is pretty good considering how much she has moved around in her life.
• She misses her dad and family and friends. She talks about him the most. But she seems to be coming to terms with her situation.
• She has, quite possibly, the sweetest heart. She wants to a veterinarian when she grows up, which means she'll have to go to a&m. She asks me if I'll hate her and says she promises to wear Burnt Orange and never put her 'horns down. I tell her it's ok to like her school, I love mine\m/ She is finally old enough to volunteer at the animal shelters here and we are working on getting that to happen here soon. One day on of those SPCA commercials came on and she looked over at me with the most sincere look and said "when I grow up, those are the kind of animals I'm going to help. The ones nobody wants." *love*
• She often says things that break my heart, both loving things and mean things. But that's another post.
• She is starting to learn truths about God and often asks me and Elias questions about Him. She seems to want to understand and we are praying that God would reveal Himself to her.
• I love that girl. Absolutely love her. Wouldn't trade any of her silly girlness for anything.

Out little boy:

• This kid is crazy! He is 9 and has the energy of just about any 9 year old, sometimes more. He also is a little cutie and he knows it. Which is not a good thing. 
• He struggles more in school because he has had the most inconsistent life. Their troubles started when he was just a little baby so he has never really had consistent education. But he is improving. It's slow and painful, but it's good to see the strides he has made so far.
• He misses his dad and often requests to see him for holiday's. He also recalls most of his brother and sisters memories as his own.
• He loves Elias. He loves that he is a "cop" and thinks he's the funniest person ever. It's so fun to see him with him. 
• He loves approval. He seeks it all the time. I swear he's like a little chameleon. He loves affirmation and it breaks his little heart when he doesn't get it.
• He tests my patience the most. I swear that I suck the most with him. He doesn't even know when he's pushing my buttons or even how to do it, but he does do it. 
• I love this boy. He's so precious. I wouldn't trade him for anything.

So, there is a little bit about the kids and what's going on. Next up will be some of the lessons we are learning.

Wrapping up...

Sorry that it has been so long since I last posted. So much has happened and is yet to happen that I really hesitate writing this post. But, I don't want to not write just because it seems like a lot of information. Christmas and New Year's were a lot of fun. We continued in our same traditions and had so much fun sharing them with these 3 new kids. Thanksgiving was good too. It was fun to share the love that we receive so naturally from our friends and family. Since this is a pretty random post with lots of information I'll just get right to it.
Thanksgiving- We continued the tradition of going to Freeport to spend time with both of our families. Elias and I are so blessed that our families are from the same town and we literally have a 4 minute drive from one house to the next when we go home. I think the kids were a little overwhelmed by exactly how much family we had. I told them not to panic too much at Christmas when we were with my mom's side of the family. The kids had never really had a Thanksgiving meal before so they were definitely shocked by how much food there really was.
Christmas- Again, we went home and continued in the traditions that we have done pretty much our whole lives. Christmas Eve we went to my mom's sisters house and had our traditional tamales, beefy mac and other things. I can't imagine not being with everyone on Christmas Eve. It was sadder this year, as we lost my cousin earlier in the month. It was weird not having him there making fun of the girls plates as we stack them higher and higher with food. Or telling us how beautiful we are. Or cracking jokes on just about everyone. He was one of us, one of the cousins. Most of my memories of my family include him. It was weird having just his face in a frame on the wall. To not hear his goober laugh or to hear someone say "Ay, Christopher!" But we had a good time again this year. We'll just definitely miss him. My mom's family then headed home and did our traditional opening gifts at midnight. As we are all getting older we are wondering why on earth we opened presents at midnight, but we do and it's always fun. Christmas day my dad's sisters came over and so did Elias' sister and girls. We had fun watching movies and eating tamales, menudo and posole. That night we went to Elias' brothers house for a little while. All in all, Christmas was fun.
New Years Eve-We continued the tradition of having people over for game night. This time we had some friends we've made through the police academy. It was a lot of fun. I definitely think the highlight was seeing cadets dancing to "Jump On It". There was lots of yummy food and lots of fun was had.

That is the holiday wrap up. Next up...kids.

Never stop learning...

That's the advice my Uncle Johnny gave me when I graduate from UT. At the time I was pissed that that was the sentiment he chose to write on his card to me. Did he not pay attention to the fact that I just graduated college? I had been in school for 17 years straight! Umm, no thanks Uncle Johnny. I'm good on the learning. Can you say, 'Brat'?!?
Wow, I can't believe it has been over a month since my last post. I'm sorry. I really do have so much to say, because let me tell you, my life is anything but boring. My uncle was right! I never did stop learning. I've learned a lot since December of 2003, when I thought I was done learning. I've learned that my family and friends mean the world to me. That, while I was blessed to have many great men in my life, there was 1 man out there that would make me feel feelings I never knew I could have for someone. That, even though I typically do not want to follow everyone's plan for my life, I will try to do it because it's definitely a lot easier when there is a plan already mapped out. And the list could go on and on and on and on. But I've learned so much since doing foster care and having these 3 kiddos placed with us. For obvious reasons I can't post specifics of what has caused me to learn these things, but I will post what I've learned.
First and foremost, I'm not their savior. There I said it. I'm not their savior. I cannot and will not change them. No matter how many rules I set up or how much I correct their behavior, I am not their savior. This is a truth that has been spoken into my life since they were first placed with us, even before that. One good friend looked me in the eye and smiled her sweet smile and said "Hope, you are not what they need." That's the kind of truth I need to hear. Because she was absolutely right. I am not what they need. They need a savior. They need the One and Only True Savior, Jesus. And y'all, heart out, I've failed them in that way. I've made them think, too much probably, that I am what they need. That Elias and I are going to give them everything that they need because we can do it because we have Jesus. I've prayed for God to fill them and to change them, but with so many ulterior motives, it's no longer even funny. I want God to change them and for them to love the Lord, not because that is what He desires of them, but so that way they will maybe be a little more tolerable at times. (It's important to note that this is not true of all of them, just one of them. They all have their moments though.) The problem with this is that I cannot be their savior. Period. I will fail them, I have failed them. And me pretending like this is all on me is the worst thing I can do. For them and for me. Especially for me. It's tiring. I obviously can only do so much without Christ and can only do all things through Him (Philippians 4:13), just ask them how many times,in the 2 months they have been here, that I've failed them. On second thought, don't.
I've learned that I'm totally capable of getting a schedule together, even though everything in me hates having to do it. I have to do it though because these kids find some peace in knowing what is for dinner tomorrow and breakfast and lunch and what we will be doing as a family, if anything. I've found that if I tell them about a doctors appt. or what time we're going to church or what-not, they will not freak out as much, even if they don't want to do it.
I've learned that,when you like someone, it's a lot easier to be humble and have humility with them. Not saying that it's ok to not do it when you don't like them, it's just a lot harder. Again, I've learned this the hard way.
I've learned that I miss my friends. I really truly miss hanging out with friends on a Friday evening just eating dinner or going to a movie or bowling or something like that. When we had Anna she was old enough that we could do those types of things with her. These 3 are so spread apart in age that it's just so tough sometimes.
Last, but not least, I've learned why my parents did everything they did when they did it and how they did it. I am so unbelievably thankful for the example Elias and I have in our parents. I'm also thankful for the advice we get from friends and family and the truth we receive when we are having a hard time.

Those are just some of the things I've learned. I'll try to be better about blogging. I promise.