Pray for grace

Foster care can really suck sometimes. There I said it. I feel bad for thinking that. Even worse for writing it. Especially since I'm such an advocate for it. Is it something that I would recommend to friends, maybe. Ugh, I feel even worse for typing that! See, I feel like I fail. And really, sometimes I do. Some days I wake up and try to will myself to just get over myself and remember that God called me to this life and it could be a lot worse. On some really bad days, I end the day by telling Elias that I think we should give up, quit while we're ahead, and "just have a baby."Ha! Those of you who really know me, know how absurd that last line was.

You see, my kids came to me with baggage, scars, wounds, whatever it is you want to call it. That night they showed up, they literally had bags and bags of baggage, both physical and emotional. And we knew that when we got into it. We knew that we would have things that they would have to work through and that we'd have to work through with them. And we have worked through a lot. For the most part, things have been smooth sailing with these kids. They really are great kids. But they have been through so much in their short lives. And on days where that baggage begins to be unpacked, foster care sucks. And the baggage isn't always bad. Sometimes they will share good memories that they have from their previous life, but it still sucks.

And I find that I suck. I find that I am not nearly as willing to extend grace to them as I should be. I don't always rejoice with them like I should. I get frustrated too easily. I get pulled out of my comfort zone too much and take it out on them. These kids, like every kid, need attention and affection. I can give limited attention and touch before I'm out of my comfort zone. And then, I get ugly. I get frustrated and it comes out in my tone or my body language. And they can feel it. It's not usually until I feel them back away that I feel bad. Elias sees it before I do usually and he is amazing at stepping in and redirecting their affections. And that's what they are, affections. And I reject them. Not all the time, but lately I'm finding it's happening more and more. It's beginning to get on my own nerves. It's so bad that every night we pray before dinner and every night Elias prays that we would be reminded of His grace and that we would remember to show grace.

But it's ok that foster care sucks sometimes. It should suck. It shouldn't even be needed. It's system that's broken and it is there to 'fix' broken kids. But we all know they don't need to be fixed by foster care, they need Jesus to make them whole again. Every now and then, on days where you want to throw in the towel, He'll remind you that He has it and nothing is impossible through Him. That even when I daydream of my pre-foster care life I can rejoice that my steps are ordered by Christ alone. I don't have to worry about falling completely, because He will never let me fall.

Y'all, foster care is hard. Maybe harder than I thought. But I promise, there are so many moments where I am reminded of how worth it it really is. I'll share more of those later.